Friday, June 1, 2012

6-1-12 Choosing New Roads

6-1-12   Choosing New Roads

Friday night I went out to the 4th annual Memorial Day Weekend kickoff meetup down at the Dockside in Sea Bright. I always have mixed feelings about these events, part of me likes to see the same old people and the new ones and part of me is like good god another year and these people are looking older and older (knowing full well that I am getting older too). But it was nice to be out and its less tiresome than it used to be now that I do not go all the time only occasionally, and I did run into some of my shyer members who really needed me to be there to drag them off the sidelines and get them in the mix and were quite greatful. One guy too whom my old co-organizer always ran from and I followed suit came over to speak to me, I have been increasingly more cordial to him and tonight I actually had a conversation with him and he was pretty interesting. My ex business partner was also there whom I had feelings of peace and forgivness for for the longest time despite that he took and kept all the product I bought and paid for and assembled all alone too. I had put that anger behind me some time ago but darn it if I still don't wish I could have my stuff back. Mary said if I can't let it go then to take him to court, I told her I won't go that far but I sure wish he'd give it back for the principle of it if nothing else, he's going to have such horrible Karma for this.

Saturday I popped in a yard sale and got a motorcycle helmet, the kind you wear in the summer time for just $5. My first instinct was to give it to Randy but I decied to keep it for myself in the hopes of getting to ride someone's motorcycle sometime. I went and bought charchol and some stuff for the picnic and then went to get a pedicure. I was bored sitting there so I was  texting  Randy asking him if he saw the big fire at the dealership on 35. I wanted to ask him if we were going to the movies that night or not but I knew better, I knew it would all depend on if the kids were home later and wanted to chill. So I went home, did some yard work and took a nap. When I woke up I made a pot of spagetti and got ready to go out somewhere.... Finally at 6:20 once I knew he'd be home I texted to ask if we were going. His reply: I saw it last night. I was shocked but didn't get angry just replied: why didn't you tell me that you already went? Now I have nothing to do on a saturday night. He replied back with: Are you trying to start a fight?  I decided to call so he could hear my voice and know I was not mad. He answered and when I repeated my question he said why do I ask when I know the answer, you know that if I told you it would start a fight. I told him that I knew he may go with the kids or he may go with me there was nothing to fight about. But leaving me hanging was just plain mean. Then I told him to enjoy his holiday and hung up.

I sat there, the words to the Meatloaf song that were playing in my head when I sent out the e-mail earlier in the week ringing in my head: Another Saturday night, I let the fever burn, all reved up and no place to go. Well I was dressed, fed and I was not going to not have somewhere to was 7pm..ok I am going to Walmart then to the biker bar in town I told myself, calling Chris one of my BFF's to let off some steam about him, she's paitenly listened to me all these years about him and never judges just softly advises. I was about ready to check out and he texted me: do you want me to come over and bring the leaf blower? Sure, I am not home just drop it off in the shed....he never brought it. I headed for town after that but couldnt bring myslef to walk in a bar and sit down alone, instead I took a walk in town and got an ice cream and sat there. Mary called and talked to me some. He's just refusing to grow up she said, I know I know and I am tired of this road to no where with him I said.

Sunday was a good day I got more chores done and set up for the party. I texted Randy asking for the leaf blower, he had gone to work and not brought it, his reply was maybe I will bring it after 7 tonight. I replied never mind I will ask one of my guy friends to come over and start mine for me. He showed up with it at 6:30 pm. I was in my robe and hair wet just getting ready to go out. Are you cheating on me he asked? No, because you are not my boyfriend. We talked a bit and I told him how mean his behavior was but he didn't get it, or more likely didn't want to get it and well I am tired of this road to nowhere I want a new one.... I had a very good time at the event though we went to Asbury Park and sat at one of the beach bars and talked and mingled till time for the fireworks. I got restless though and headed off alone for a bit and stopped in for a palm reading. She told me that Randy has had more than enough time to grow up and that if I can let him go there is a new man waiting for me and I should be meeting him in the first week of July and she said look for the initial J (this letter has come up before) . She described the person he is and what he needs in his life and it sounded like a perfect match. She also said I would be getting a cash windfall in August, so when she went into her sales pitch to work to help me remove blocks for a hefty price I told her I would wait till my windfall came in August. Ha!

Monday was the parade and BBQ at my house, it eneded up being a lot of fun and not too much bother I agreed to do it again on the 4th of July. One guy who came on a very nice Harley did all the cooking all day and invited me to a BBQ at his house on the 16th! He flirted with me some but he flirted with ALL the women so when he did with me I just got nervous not knowing if he was serious or not. Randy texted me the next day and said he saw all the cars here, yup big party I and dudes he replied......I told him about the one with the harley and that shut him up. I was glad, I really feel no more sadness no more pain nadda for him.

Tuesday was back to the office, I got to see my boss which is rare and we talked about what we are going to do to present my idea to the leadership team. Next step is to e-mail Lisa again and set up a meeting. That night after I got home there were a ton of calls from Jeremy, once I got a hold of him a tale of drama and drug abuse unfolded that I don't even want to repeat. For three days this went on, first he was going to come home then he was going to Ohio, then he was going to stay there. Through it all he kept going on how depressed he is, how he wants to kill himself, how his life sucks... Ugh. Finally I told him that he needed to take a different road, that the one he's on and the friends he's with are not going to lead anywhere good. What applies to me applies to him and applies to anyone. If you don't like where you are STOP and change direction. It really is that easy. Well you have to do the work, you have to make the calls and walk the talk but really all you need to change is to STOP and choose differently.

Through all this I have not been feeling well and have all kinds of leg swelling, so bad I can barely walk sometimes. I had to skip yoga but I did make a Doctor appointement for thursday and worked from home so that I could go to it. My blood work had come back and I am diabetic and also my cholesterol is very high and I told her about not being able to afford the expensive blood pressure medication so she gave me another one. She said the one med would help me process and break down the sugars and help my cravings. She also said all this belly fat was linked to two things: stress and carbs and I needed to remove those things from my life as much as possible. I vowed to do it! I am so tired of this belly getting in the way of so many things I want to reach in my life...that yoga pose, that mountian top, that good relatioship (because I doupt any man wants me this way). Thursday Randy texted me asking if I wanted to go on vacation with him to Vermont on the 23rd, I wasn't really feeling like I wanted to go but I didn't want to burn the bridge so I replied with when are you coming back, figuring I could calculate how many precious vacation days I'd need to use....he came back with As soon as you get mad at me. How mean, boy he's just turned into mister mean and hateful. I replied no thanks I will pass.

After work I picked up my new meds and on a whim decided to drive past the Sunset house, it was empty!! A big for rent sign was out front! I was flabbergasted, I had noticed that ever since I tossed that SpiritStone out by the GoGo Rama I had not see that woman's humvee there. My intention was Go Away but I had meant the GoGo Rama not her necesarily, I hoped she'd find a better job, one that she didn't have to demean herself...but perhaps she had gone down a new road to something better? I hoped and prayed so. I was a bit dismayed about the house, the timing was all wrong! I could not afford to move now and I recalled all the signs I had gotten the past few days about rentals, why was spirit taunting me this way? I decided to text Randy and tell him, his reply was I will get it for you. I said I will belive that when I see it, then he said we could both rent it together and I replied Hummmm. Much as I love and want that house, and had wanted to live there with him, the way he's behaving now, well I'd rather stay here and tough it out alone quite frankly. He called too but the conversation was flat and nearly dead, just like my love for him is..... I prayed before bed asking for resolutions and clear solutions to all the issues right now and decided to sit tight till the fog clears......

Friday my card of the day was Soulmate. I know that God and the angels are working on what I really want, a loving partner. And I am working on ME. I am going to stop going down the road of stress and anxiety over my son, and I am going to stop going down the road of engaging in battle with Randy OR thinking his empty words mean anything more than he's just sweet talking to get some, and I am going to stop going down the road of poor eating habits. I can choose fruit over cake and vegtables over pasta one baby step at a time....

 What roads have you been going down in your life that get you nowhere? What roads do you want to stop going down? If you don't like where you are stop and change direction....I know there are many wonderful destinations out there for you to go! But don't matter where you go...there YOU are so make sure you change yourslef too as needed.......

With Love and in the Light, Cassie

I walk down the road. There is a hole in the road. I do not see the hole. I fall in the hole. It is very deep, and at the bottom where I lay broken, it is dark and cold. I can’t get out.

I walk down the road. There is a hole in the road. I see the hole as I am walking down the road. I fall down the hole. Its familiar and quite cosy. I can’t get out.

I walk down the road. There is a hole in the road. I see the hole as I am walking down the road. I fall down the hole. I want to get out.

I walk down the road. There is a hole in the road. I see the hole as I am walking down the road. I dread falling down the hole. I fall down the hole. And I look up and decide to get out.

I walk down the road. There is a hole in the road. I see the hole as I walk down the road. I think, “oh, ha ha, no, no, I’m not falling for that again!”. I fall down the hole. I start climbing out.

I walk down the road. There is a hole in the road. I see the hole as I walk down the road. I try not to, but I fall in the hole again. I get back out straight away.

I walk down the road. There is a hole in the road. I see the hole as I walk down the road. My foot slides and I fall in the hole again, but I do not hit the bottom. I cling on to the side and get out of the hole.

I walk down the road. There is a hole in the road. I step over the hole. I do not fall into the hole.

I walk down a different road.

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