Friday, June 8, 2012

6-8-12 The Measure of Love

6-8-12   The Measure of Love

Friday after work I went to the Good Will Store and then I was going to go for a walk on the beach but the tide was very high and I didn't want to drive over to the other side of Cliffwood Beach to get around the flooded road. The weather was iffy anyway so I went home and got a good bit of stuff done. I went to bed at a reasonable hour too but couldn't go to sleep, the moon was nearly full and that always seems to have me sleeping less too, I just have so much more energy at that time.

Saturday I went to yard sales and I got two outdoor extension cords for only $1! I had just mentioned that I needed some and since I didn't run right out and buy them the universe provided them. Same for the slippers I have been holding off on buying, I got a very expensive brand new name brand for $2! Later in the day I got an impulse to text Randy and tell him we should rent a camper and go camping for his vacation in a few weeks. Good idea he said and called me at his lunchtime and we talked about it, he said he always wanted to do this but didn't know how so I said I do and I can teach you! I got him a few numbers and he called but the prices were too high. In the evening I took a walk on the beach and on an impulse decided to run over to the church carnival for dinner and see the fireworks. That was pretty kewl. It wasn't big but people were around and I felt love and sent Reiki in the air for them. I saw all the couples there though and wished I was a couple but I didn't get too sad about it and instead relished in idea of it and glad that love and commitment still existed.

Sunday was yoga on the beach, we moved it to mornings and oh how nice that is! One of my friends came down from north jersey and she and I had planned to hang out together for lunch afterwards. I figured we'd hang, she'd leave and I could take a nap and go to the really big event that night at the shore. But I had another friend, whom I had not seen in awhile who kept asking and not taking no for an answer for me to have lunch with her in Red Bank..soooo my friend and I decided to go down and meet her for lunch. I wished to God I had not as I had to drive around and around and around to get a parking spot. The lunch was nice though and it was good to see her and she was trying to get us to go down to the music event by the water, I was concerned about my joints though as it hurts me so much to walk for very long sometimes. The compromise was if I could find a not too far away parking spot we would join her there. So we drove around and around and did get one and started walking towards the event and I called her....she had decided NOT to go and turned around and headed home due to the cloudy sky! In the end we only stayed a short while too and the rain started so we went back to my house by 4 and she went home. I was exhausted so I laid down and fell asleep and missed the really big event that I wanted to go to. I was a bit resentful about this but I realize that sometimes you have to love a friend enough to put them before yourself and she is always there to listen to me when I am upset.

Later that evening I texted Randy to ask him to come help me pick up the canopy of mine that got blown over and destroyed. This is the one I had gotten for free, so now I realize I was NOT meant to get it for free as its life with me was short lived. Anyway he didn't want to come help and I felt dejected and lonely. Sunday evenings often make me feel lonely over the course of my singledom, then again over the course of my marriage as well. I ended up going out and getting take out seafood and bringing it home to eat in front of the computer. I ate and I read and seeing all the happy faces at the event I wanted to go to made me feel a bit sad and lonely, almost to the point of giving up on love. I really don't feel the love for Randy anymore nor a desire to end up with him anymore, he's left me high and dry and alone too much, he loves hanging with "the boys" too me being loved means someone wants to be with me, not 24/7 or too much, space between us I know is healthy and it's, but still more, a companion and I do see many couples who are companions so I know that it exists. I went to be feeling sad...

Monday morning I woke up, a dream fresh in my mind. I was back in college and moving into a new room, a room that I had to share with a lot of the  Delts, the Fraternity that hurt my feelings when one of them, a gay guy, T-shirted me and they made him take it back.  Pat Hickey the then president and the one whom I blame for all my hurt all these years on this situation was there and in my dream we were talking trying to work out our differences so we could live in the same place with our friends, he kept trying to explain why he did what he did then and I just kept saying no matter the reason you hurt me deeply and I just want you to say you are sorry for hurting me, he would not and just wanted to make me understand why, I woke up and it was not resolved but I wished I had said OK I forgive you. It was clear he felt justified and would not apologize and what he wanted from me was to just accept it. My conscious mind has now, lets hope my sub-conscious mind catches up to it.

On Tuesday I decided to write and tell Randy that I did not want to go on vacation with him, it's just not any fun anymore hanging with him I decided and he's had two years now to make the change and I am weary so weary that he's sucked the love right out of me and wasted every drop. I realize too that even if I had him I probably wouldn't be any happier with him than I was the first time around, in fact if anything he's gotten even more selfish with his time. Or no I should not judge it to be selfish, rather his choice of his time is nearly a polar opposite of what I am seeking but for him it's right it's how he chooses to live. He tried hard to get me to change my mind but to no avail. Tuesday night was the Venus transit over the sun and I was compelled to log onto my spiritual Facebook ID just before bed, I saw that I had been invited to an event for it so I logged on to read some, as it turned out there was a meditation to be done to help usher in the new energy for the planet and we light-workers were to do it just 20 min from the time I arrived. I knew I was meant to help and I did! I was so very very glad that I did and I posted the messages that I got and I just felt the love coming in for the whole planet. Several people IMEd me and I made some new friends.

Wednesday started putting away the cats things. It had been a week since I let him out and he had not shown up back at my door wanting in so he can eat and sleep as I had figured would be the case if I let him out to go have his fun. I know that some people will think I am wrong for not having him declawed and fixed but I do not feel that would have been right of me to take from him those things. I am pretty sure he's living out by the shed and who knows maybe some evening when I am sitting by my fire he will come out but for now I was putting his stuff away because I was sad on some level that he didn't love me enough to cuddle with me or sit in my lap as I wanted. I texted Randy asking if he wanted the food and litter and he came over and got them.  I told him that since junior is leaving soon for the Navy that he should take him, that he's the one he loves and wants to spend his time with. I told him alter his plan to accommodate his work schedule and pay for him, that bonding now was so important. He said he won't as he has a girlfriend and she's moved in, to which I replied take them both. He wouldn't listen... I gave up.

I had yoga on the beach that night with the new teacher and it was very nice. I was very pleased that Joe, one of the event leaders for the Divorce group came. He is not working right now and I let him come for free and I do so hope he keeps coming back for himself and because his friends will feel comfortable coming if he's there. I want everyone to try this and I just don't go out and socualize as much as he does and people don't know me as well. I was very pleased with the new teacher, she does more of spiritual bent to it than Nancy does, this is good as we can attract two different types of people OR people who like both! She was so kind to go early and rake the area and bring candles of her own I am feeling really good about this now I just need to attract more people for us! I went back home feeling all peaceful and happy...till I got there and my one roomate had been cooking, the whole place smelled like burt plastic! In the night the carbon monoxide alarm went off twice! I finally figured out that he had left the burner open.....

So my thursday started at 4am, there was no sleeping for me once that second alarm went off and I fugured out what he had done. I finally got up and wrote him a note telling him he needed to be out on sunday when his money expired or if he could be out sooner I would re-pay him whatever days he didn't stay. I came home that night and he was here and had nothing to say (like am I am so so sorry I almost killed everyone) so I said did you get my note? He said yes and said he was leaving but then a bit later he came out and said that was only 3 days too short of notice so I told him that he could pay me on sunday and stay a bit longer to look around and I would pay him back for the days he did not use. He seemed happy with that and understood that sometimes people just arent compatible. I was glad of my descion when the new guy for the basement moved in the next day and said he had been rude to him. I mowed my yard that night and I used Randys leave blower to clear the grass and I talked to the neighbor across the street who wants Reiki for her sick dog and was quite pleased with myself and my home.

Friday morning my chain extenders came so that I can put on the heart necklace that Jeremy got me for mothers day. It seemed appropriate that I can now take off the Elven Star and put on this heart. Love Love Love that is my theme now to love no matter what to give it and to learn to feel it and to learn to recognize it in all its forms. I thought of calling Jeremy but decided that the best love I can give him right now is to let him be and to let him grow up and figure out his own way. I know he won't see it that way, he measures love by how much I do for him. Randy he always measured love by how much I bought for him, the reason for that though was because of his lack as a child.  My Grandma she measuerd love by how much someone worried about her. Me, I measure love by time, how much of it you want to spend with me. I guess it's time for me to realize and learn that there are many ways to love and learn to recognize it when its there...
How do you measure love? What, if you get it from someone, makes you feel as if they love you? Take some time to recognize that and then take some time to look at other ways you are beinging loved.....someday you won't even feel the need to measure love because you will have so much of it, you will give some much of it, you will just BE Love.....and that is when you realize that it's so big that it's immeasurable.....

With Love and in the Light,   Cassie

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