6-22-12 The End of the Road

6-22-12  The End of the Road

Friday night after work I headed down to Long Branch for an event. It was at an ocean front hotel which was very very lovely. I do love the ocean, but everything down there is so overpriced and parking is next to impossible unless you want to pay a very high price. I thought to myself how much more I like my beach by the bay. I was glad that I went though because I ran into a lot of people that I know and I also got to meet someone new who used to run a meetup group and she wants to organize some events for my group. I was really excited about that, especially since the gal who, I used to work with and got really nasty with me for no reason, was always so jealous of her and her group. I know I should be above this but there is a little left of ha see you mistreated me but someone better came along attitude there.

Saturday was the town wide yard sale and I had a blast going around finding treasures. I got a non-motorized rotary push mower, a big wood porch rocker and an air cleaner all for $10 each. I also got a few knick knacks to decorate the house with. I was very excited about the air cleaner but I knew I needed help with it so I texted Randy and asked if he'd come over and help and he said yes and I added that I probably would be home Sunday when he got off work and he said good. I then checked my e-mails and found out that I had won two prizes at the networking event I had gone to. One was two fitness training sessions and the other was a party for me and 30 friends that included food and drink, I had laughed and commented when I was as the event that if I won this I was going to use it to throw myself a birthday party. Shortly after that I got a call from Jeremy that he was at the bus station and he was leaving Florida. He told me a tale of how bad Alex had behaved and acted once his Dad got down there and it had been the final straw and he got his Dad to buy him a bus ticket to Ohio. We talked a bit and I advised him as best I could and he felt better and we both agreed that it was good he had gone that he grew up a good bit while there and now he'd give Ohio a shot. Personally I don't see how he can get a job there when there is no public transportation and very little jobs, but I do know if that where God wants him to be that it will all work out.

In the evening Saturday I went to a house party of one of the guys from meetup, he had come to mine on memorial day and made sure to invite me to this one. It was a nice party and kinda reminded me of the ones that I used to have back in Flemington at my old house. I only slightly miss those days, I will recall the fun and all but then I will recall the work and honestly, for the people I suppose it was worth it but for me, well not so much. I am glad that I am done with that part of my life. I went home happy and tired and  just before going to bed I texted Randy and told him I did not need help with the air cleaner after all, that I realized it was fathers day and I would get someone else to help me. I went to bed in peace and with hope for better day....only to be woken at 2am by a phone call from Jeremy. I groggily listened to him say something about missing his bus when they stopped and he was ranting and raving and going on. I told him to go inside and make arrangements to get on the next bus, that I could not save him from where I was and that I had to go back to sleep.

The next day I of course woke up worried and that unease went with me to yoga and lunch till I got home and found facebook messages from Jeremy. He was OK whew....of course my day was shot after that I was exhasted so I took a nap all afternoon. When I woke Mary had called and was in the area so I met her for dinner. We talked about a lot of things, a good deal about Randy she said she didn't sense that he was spending any time with those boys on fathers day but she said it was time for me to keep looking back to him. She said she sees a new man coming, that he's right behind me and his name is Jerry or Gerald or something like that. Who knows I am tired of getting my hopes up I am just going to live my life.

The work week was very very busy, I had a lot of meetings and such and the heat, the longer hours and my backache kept me drained. Jeremy called a few times though and asked for a sympathetic ear and some advice. He complained how badly my Dad and his brother were treating him, and most of all every time he called me he said I love you before he hung up, and I told him I loved him too. I told him he had 6 weeks or so till I was coming for the wedding and he can stay there look for a job and see how it all goes and if he isnt happy there then he can come home with me then. I also got a text from Randy about tuesday, it said pack your bags.....for what? I replied.....VT......i shook my head silently and replied, Nah I dont want to go its not worth using my vacation days. And that was exactly how I felt, him, Vermont, this relationship of sorts wasnt worth my time anymore. There really were better things for me.

Another thing that happend this week was I had a big blow out with my oldest son. He is trying to apply for a home loan and his credit card report came back and someone how my card dept was on there! He called me and accused me of using his name! I calmly told him that I never ever would have done such a thing. He didnt sound like he belived me and the next day I got another message saying I must have commited fraud and signed his name to things and used his SS#! That smacked of my Dad and his accusations, I did have an Aunt once who did that to her sons. In the end I was not hurt because he asked me but because he wouldnt belive me, and most of all because he doesn't know me at all or he would know I would never do that. I went to my business facebook and defriended him saying I am done, that if he ever decided I he wanted to know ME and be my friend to let me know but I was tired of being critisized and condemned and mistrusted and unloved by my own son.

As I sit here finishing up the blog this week it occurs to me that I am at the end of my path, well not all paths but THIS path, my SpritStone journey and this is where I am going to end this blog. I have no idea if I will start a new one or not, all I know is this one is done. Because tommorow Randy goes off to Vermont and this time with out me to sneak around with and I am glad that I finally love myself enough to say no, that's just not good enough. And my oldest son is building his life in Ohio with my father and the both of them are sittign there judging me for who I am and I am saying no thank you, I am not coming there and putting up with that treatement anymore just for the sake of having a family. My younger son, who knows where he will end up but one thing he's learned is how much he does love me and now apreciates what he had here. Yes me, I have reached the end of my road......and theres' the sea and a beautiful rainbow here for me. I got here on my own, by making my own choices and doing what I had to do, and even when I felt God had plans for me I learned that really it was all about me and what I wanted, he doesn't give us answers....... the answers are up tUS!  My answer is LOVE LOVE LOVE, thats my answer to everyone and everything from now on starting with me and my life...........whoever wants to some sit in my sunshine and admire my rainbow is welcome to show up....who ever doesn't I wish them peace on thier paths.....

It's been a pleasure sharing with you all.......I do hope I have inspired you in some small way.....

With Love and in the Light,  Cassie

"You walking, your footprints are
the road, and nothing else;
there is no road, walker,
you make the road by walking.
By walking you make the road,
... and when you look backward,
you see the path that you
never will step on again.
Walker, there is no road,
only wind-trails in the sea."

~Antonio Marchado

PS:   The song below was playing in my head all afternoon as I finished this up.......

Indigo Girls Closer To Fine

Translation in progress. Please wait...

I'm trying to tell you something about my life
Maybe give me insight between black and white
The best thing you've ever done for me
Is to help me take my life less seriously, it's only life after all
Well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable
And lightness has a call that's hard to hear
I wrap my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it, I'm crawling on your shore.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.

I went to see the doctor of philosophy
With a poster of Rasputin and a beard down to his knee
He never did marry or see a B-grade movie
He graded my performance, he said he could see through me
I spent four years prostrate to the higher mind, got my paper
And I was free.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.

I stopped by the bar at 3 a.m.
To seek solace in a bottle or possibly a friend
I woke up with a headache like my head against a board
Twice as cloudy as I'd been the night before
I went in seeking clarity.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.

We go to the bible, we go through the workout
We read up on revival and we stand up for the lookout
There's more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in a crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine