Continued:

and the story does go on:

http://cassiespath6.blogspot.com/

6-22-12 The End of the Road

6-22-12  The End of the Road

Friday night after work I headed down to Long Branch for an event. It was at an ocean front hotel which was very very lovely. I do love the ocean, but everything down there is so overpriced and parking is next to impossible unless you want to pay a very high price. I thought to myself how much more I like my beach by the bay. I was glad that I went though because I ran into a lot of people that I know and I also got to meet someone new who used to run a meetup group and she wants to organize some events for my group. I was really excited about that, especially since the gal who, I used to work with and got really nasty with me for no reason, was always so jealous of her and her group. I know I should be above this but there is a little left of ha see you mistreated me but someone better came along attitude there.

Saturday was the town wide yard sale and I had a blast going around finding treasures. I got a non-motorized rotary push mower, a big wood porch rocker and an air cleaner all for $10 each. I also got a few knick knacks to decorate the house with. I was very excited about the air cleaner but I knew I needed help with it so I texted Randy and asked if he'd come over and help and he said yes and I added that I probably would be home Sunday when he got off work and he said good. I then checked my e-mails and found out that I had won two prizes at the networking event I had gone to. One was two fitness training sessions and the other was a party for me and 30 friends that included food and drink, I had laughed and commented when I was as the event that if I won this I was going to use it to throw myself a birthday party. Shortly after that I got a call from Jeremy that he was at the bus station and he was leaving Florida. He told me a tale of how bad Alex had behaved and acted once his Dad got down there and it had been the final straw and he got his Dad to buy him a bus ticket to Ohio. We talked a bit and I advised him as best I could and he felt better and we both agreed that it was good he had gone that he grew up a good bit while there and now he'd give Ohio a shot. Personally I don't see how he can get a job there when there is no public transportation and very little jobs, but I do know if that where God wants him to be that it will all work out.

In the evening Saturday I went to a house party of one of the guys from meetup, he had come to mine on memorial day and made sure to invite me to this one. It was a nice party and kinda reminded me of the ones that I used to have back in Flemington at my old house. I only slightly miss those days, I will recall the fun and all but then I will recall the work and honestly, for the people I suppose it was worth it but for me, well not so much. I am glad that I am done with that part of my life. I went home happy and tired and  just before going to bed I texted Randy and told him I did not need help with the air cleaner after all, that I realized it was fathers day and I would get someone else to help me. I went to bed in peace and with hope for better day....only to be woken at 2am by a phone call from Jeremy. I groggily listened to him say something about missing his bus when they stopped and he was ranting and raving and going on. I told him to go inside and make arrangements to get on the next bus, that I could not save him from where I was and that I had to go back to sleep.

The next day I of course woke up worried and that unease went with me to yoga and lunch till I got home and found facebook messages from Jeremy. He was OK whew....of course my day was shot after that I was exhasted so I took a nap all afternoon. When I woke Mary had called and was in the area so I met her for dinner. We talked about a lot of things, a good deal about Randy she said she didn't sense that he was spending any time with those boys on fathers day but she said it was time for me to keep looking back to him. She said she sees a new man coming, that he's right behind me and his name is Jerry or Gerald or something like that. Who knows I am tired of getting my hopes up I am just going to live my life.

The work week was very very busy, I had a lot of meetings and such and the heat, the longer hours and my backache kept me drained. Jeremy called a few times though and asked for a sympathetic ear and some advice. He complained how badly my Dad and his brother were treating him, and most of all every time he called me he said I love you before he hung up, and I told him I loved him too. I told him he had 6 weeks or so till I was coming for the wedding and he can stay there look for a job and see how it all goes and if he isnt happy there then he can come home with me then. I also got a text from Randy about tuesday, it said pack your bags.....for what? I replied.....VT......i shook my head silently and replied, Nah I dont want to go its not worth using my vacation days. And that was exactly how I felt, him, Vermont, this relationship of sorts wasnt worth my time anymore. There really were better things for me.

Another thing that happend this week was I had a big blow out with my oldest son. He is trying to apply for a home loan and his credit card report came back and someone how my card dept was on there! He called me and accused me of using his name! I calmly told him that I never ever would have done such a thing. He didnt sound like he belived me and the next day I got another message saying I must have commited fraud and signed his name to things and used his SS#! That smacked of my Dad and his accusations, I did have an Aunt once who did that to her sons. In the end I was not hurt because he asked me but because he wouldnt belive me, and most of all because he doesn't know me at all or he would know I would never do that. I went to my business facebook and defriended him saying I am done, that if he ever decided I he wanted to know ME and be my friend to let me know but I was tired of being critisized and condemned and mistrusted and unloved by my own son.

As I sit here finishing up the blog this week it occurs to me that I am at the end of my path, well not all paths but THIS path, my SpritStone journey and this is where I am going to end this blog. I have no idea if I will start a new one or not, all I know is this one is done. Because tommorow Randy goes off to Vermont and this time with out me to sneak around with and I am glad that I finally love myself enough to say no, that's just not good enough. And my oldest son is building his life in Ohio with my father and the both of them are sittign there judging me for who I am and I am saying no thank you, I am not coming there and putting up with that treatement anymore just for the sake of having a family. My younger son, who knows where he will end up but one thing he's learned is how much he does love me and now apreciates what he had here. Yes me, I have reached the end of my road......and theres' the sea and a beautiful rainbow here for me. I got here on my own, by making my own choices and doing what I had to do, and even when I felt God had plans for me I learned that really it was all about me and what I wanted, he doesn't give us answers....... the answers are up tUS!  My answer is LOVE LOVE LOVE, thats my answer to everyone and everything from now on starting with me and my life...........whoever wants to some sit in my sunshine and admire my rainbow is welcome to show up....who ever doesn't I wish them peace on thier paths.....

It's been a pleasure sharing with you all.......I do hope I have inspired you in some small way.....

With Love and in the Light,  Cassie

"You walking, your footprints are
the road, and nothing else;
there is no road, walker,
you make the road by walking.
By walking you make the road,
... and when you look backward,
you see the path that you
never will step on again.
Walker, there is no road,
only wind-trails in the sea."

~Antonio Marchado

PS:   The song below was playing in my head all afternoon as I finished this up.......

Indigo Girls Closer To Fine

Translation in progress. Please wait...

I'm trying to tell you something about my life
Maybe give me insight between black and white
The best thing you've ever done for me
Is to help me take my life less seriously, it's only life after all
Well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable
And lightness has a call that's hard to hear
I wrap my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it, I'm crawling on your shore.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.

I went to see the doctor of philosophy
With a poster of Rasputin and a beard down to his knee
He never did marry or see a B-grade movie
He graded my performance, he said he could see through me
I spent four years prostrate to the higher mind, got my paper
And I was free.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.

I stopped by the bar at 3 a.m.
To seek solace in a bottle or possibly a friend
I woke up with a headache like my head against a board
Twice as cloudy as I'd been the night before
I went in seeking clarity.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.

We go to the bible, we go through the workout
We read up on revival and we stand up for the lookout
There's more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in a crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine

6-15-12 Waiting for What Comes

6-15-12  Waiting for What Comes

Friday night I went down to Asbury Park to join one of the meetup groups for Bon Fire on the beach. It was a nice warm evening and everyone was having a good time. I am glad that I went. Saturday morning I woke up to get ready for my event and I was checking meetups and noticed that my ex-business partner keeps logging in. It came to mind to me what he had told my buddy Mike about how he will never ever speak to me or have anything to do with me ever again so I wondered why the heck is he even still in my group, let alone checking in it? Its like someone having a party and someone who refuses to attend is outside peeking in the windows all night. Forget that! I removed him and I felt instantly better. Mike said I was wrong to have done so but Mary said it was good for me to remove that negativity from my space.

So anyway off to the walking garden tour of Keyport I went, what an awesome time we had! The gardens were lovely and we had such a nice time viewing them. We all particularly loved this one house just a few homes up from the bulkhead that backed right onto the bay. It made me truly wish for a house right there in town! After the walk we went to the Seaport diner for brunch and then several of us went to get psycic readings across the street. Mine said several things: one that money was coming to me, she said that I should quit waiting for the township and that I should list it for sale again as the market has changed. She said that I should quit waiting for Randy to get better as he is only going to get worse and that soon he was going to have some serious problems. She said if I can let go of him that the possibilities are endless whom I can have and that someone will marry me all I need to do is let go of Randy. She also said to be very careful and to keep my business close as people dislike me as they are jealous of me and they pretend to be my friend but are not. I thought about all that and decided to text Randy to warn him of trouble coming, he wouldn't listen and when I told him that someone else was going to marry me he said stop, as in stop saying that. I know he thinks I will wait forever for him but I won't, there really isn't even any romantic love for him left in me, to me he's just a stray dog who is cold and hungry but would just leave again as soon as I fed him and gave him a warm place to sleep...

Saturday night was the Singing Bowls on the beach event.It was lovely and peaceful and rejuvenating and many other things! We had a good turn out too and everyone was so content. I went around and snapped some photos and this one in particular we were very happy with, Lyn said she was playing the root chakara bowl at that time! It was just amazing, so amazing that we scheduled another one for July 13th. After the bowls one of my friends and I went into town and walked and talked and got a slice of Pizza. It was nice.. I love my little town and I love when people hang out with me here.

Sunday was Yoga on the beach, that was nice too but a little hot towards the end sitting there in the sun. Next week I think I shall take an umbrella to practice under! While we were there a hellicopter kept flying over us, for a moment we thought maybe it was a news show and welcomed the plublicity for our yoga classes. But after a bit some firemen came on the beach and we realized that they were searching for a missing person. I asked the class to pause a moment and say a prayer for whomever it was. After class a couple of us went to the diner for brunch, no one can belive the cheap prices and how awesome the food is!

The week was not too eventful other than my son calling a few times with his issues about finding work, taking care of Alex and such. I told him that he has to do this him self so he is trying to. He also told me how he went to threaten Alex's drug dealer with a beating if he sold Zannex to him again. I pointed out that he needed to deal with Alex not his supplier and when Alex got on the phone with me I asked him why and he told me about his anxiety problems. I told him Jeremy has the same and what they BOTH need is to learn to deep meditate. I don't know if they will listen but for sure its the only good way I know of to deal with anxiety. I also discussed with Jeremy why its so hard for him to get a job, the he doesnt like being told what to do or how and that's because he's meant to have his own company someday but for now he needed to buckle down and man up and do what needs to be done!

My older boy arrived safe and sound in Ohio, he had returned to Colorado, got a U-Haul, packed all his stuff and went to live with my Dad while he house hunts. He found a good job at a Hospital in Wheeling, just over the border and the same town he was born in. That boy loves Ohio. I am hoping that he finds and closes on a house by August as that is when I am taking a week off to go visit. I will be able to help him paint and clean and whatever he needs. Much as I wish he were moving to NJ to be near me, I am kinda releived that he is going there so he can be with my Dad. I worry about him being alone now that my Mom died and I am too far away to help him. He's a good boy that son of mine even if he is a bible thumper who thinks that I am going to hell. LOL Maybe someday we will make peace.... at least we don't fight and argue about it anymore.

At one point during the week I was missing my cat too. I texted Randy and said so, kinda hoping he could use his powers to find him. He waited a bit and texted me back that he was not far away, living with someone, he was happy and he said to tell me Hi. I replied back with a self pity see he don't love me or he would have come home like you promised response. Randy sent back that he had been stolen from the street and said it was only 3 houses away to which I replied oh well if he's happy let him stay there, I really had wanted a cat that would sit in my lap or in bed with me as I watched TV and he never would. Randy said that I could go to the shelter and get another one but I said No, I am going to wait for God to bring me a new one, something will show up whent the time is right.

I went to a charity event and made a few new connections, even got interviewed for a TV show this woman is doing. I know that I need to spend time growig what I am doing here with the Yoga and the singing bowls and such. I know that it's time for my sons to make thier own lives, and if they are meant to be with me in the future they will if not at least we can stay connected and visit each other at holidays. In talking to Mary I realize that I still have some abandonment issues related to my birth father abandoning me. I still recall Mom's story she told me again and again, how after giving birth on that day is September she crawled down the hall to use the phone to call his dorm and was told that he had left for law school just that day. She told that story again and again till its become a part of my whole being, I wasn't wanted, I was abandoned, no one was there to love me and take care of me. Its time to heal this and to quit chasing after someone to love me and to always be there because no one is big enough to fill a void that large.

Today I want you all to sit and to heal yourselves from the inside out. Pray, meditate, cry, spend time in nature and find your center. Know that every thing and every one and all that you ever really need is already there inside of you. And as your light grows it will be as a beacon in the darkness and you will automatically attract others to you untill your life is rich and full. But for now, wait for what comes...........


With Love and in the Light, Cassie

New Testimonial about the stones:

Cassie,

THE STONE WORKED!!!!! Thanks. I now have two jobs that are in growth positions to work with. See you when I can. Sorry about missing the meet up I got caught up in cleaning.

see you soon.

Michelle

6-8-12 The Measure of Love

6-8-12   The Measure of Love

Friday after work I went to the Good Will Store and then I was going to go for a walk on the beach but the tide was very high and I didn't want to drive over to the other side of Cliffwood Beach to get around the flooded road. The weather was iffy anyway so I went home and got a good bit of stuff done. I went to bed at a reasonable hour too but couldn't go to sleep, the moon was nearly full and that always seems to have me sleeping less too, I just have so much more energy at that time.

Saturday I went to yard sales and I got two outdoor extension cords for only $1! I had just mentioned that I needed some and since I didn't run right out and buy them the universe provided them. Same for the slippers I have been holding off on buying, I got a very expensive brand new name brand for $2! Later in the day I got an impulse to text Randy and tell him we should rent a camper and go camping for his vacation in a few weeks. Good idea he said and called me at his lunchtime and we talked about it, he said he always wanted to do this but didn't know how so I said I do and I can teach you! I got him a few numbers and he called but the prices were too high. In the evening I took a walk on the beach and on an impulse decided to run over to the church carnival for dinner and see the fireworks. That was pretty kewl. It wasn't big but people were around and I felt love and sent Reiki in the air for them. I saw all the couples there though and wished I was a couple but I didn't get too sad about it and instead relished in idea of it and glad that love and commitment still existed.

Sunday was yoga on the beach, we moved it to mornings and oh how nice that is! One of my friends came down from north jersey and she and I had planned to hang out together for lunch afterwards. I figured we'd hang, she'd leave and I could take a nap and go to the really big event that night at the shore. But I had another friend, whom I had not seen in awhile who kept asking and not taking no for an answer for me to have lunch with her in Red Bank..soooo my friend and I decided to go down and meet her for lunch. I wished to God I had not as I had to drive around and around and around to get a parking spot. The lunch was nice though and it was good to see her and she was trying to get us to go down to the music event by the water, I was concerned about my joints though as it hurts me so much to walk for very long sometimes. The compromise was if I could find a not too far away parking spot we would join her there. So we drove around and around and did get one and started walking towards the event and I called her....she had decided NOT to go and turned around and headed home due to the cloudy sky! In the end we only stayed a short while too and the rain started so we went back to my house by 4 and she went home. I was exhausted so I laid down and fell asleep and missed the really big event that I wanted to go to. I was a bit resentful about this but I realize that sometimes you have to love a friend enough to put them before yourself and she is always there to listen to me when I am upset.

Later that evening I texted Randy to ask him to come help me pick up the canopy of mine that got blown over and destroyed. This is the one I had gotten for free, so now I realize I was NOT meant to get it for free as its life with me was short lived. Anyway he didn't want to come help and I felt dejected and lonely. Sunday evenings often make me feel lonely over the course of my singledom, then again over the course of my marriage as well. I ended up going out and getting take out seafood and bringing it home to eat in front of the computer. I ate and I read and seeing all the happy faces at the event I wanted to go to made me feel a bit sad and lonely, almost to the point of giving up on love. I really don't feel the love for Randy anymore nor a desire to end up with him anymore, he's left me high and dry and alone too much, he loves hanging with "the boys" too much...to me being loved means someone wants to be with me, not 24/7 or too much, space between us I know is healthy and it's, but still more, a companion and I do see many couples who are companions so I know that it exists. I went to be feeling sad...

Monday morning I woke up, a dream fresh in my mind. I was back in college and moving into a new room, a room that I had to share with a lot of the  Delts, the Fraternity that hurt my feelings when one of them, a gay guy, T-shirted me and they made him take it back.  Pat Hickey the then president and the one whom I blame for all my hurt all these years on this situation was there and in my dream we were talking trying to work out our differences so we could live in the same place with our friends, he kept trying to explain why he did what he did then and I just kept saying no matter the reason you hurt me deeply and I just want you to say you are sorry for hurting me, he would not and just wanted to make me understand why, I woke up and it was not resolved but I wished I had said OK I forgive you. It was clear he felt justified and would not apologize and what he wanted from me was to just accept it. My conscious mind has now, lets hope my sub-conscious mind catches up to it.

On Tuesday I decided to write and tell Randy that I did not want to go on vacation with him, it's just not any fun anymore hanging with him I decided and he's had two years now to make the change and I am weary so weary that he's sucked the love right out of me and wasted every drop. I realize too that even if I had him I probably wouldn't be any happier with him than I was the first time around, in fact if anything he's gotten even more selfish with his time. Or no I should not judge it to be selfish, rather his choice of his time is nearly a polar opposite of what I am seeking but for him it's right it's how he chooses to live. He tried hard to get me to change my mind but to no avail. Tuesday night was the Venus transit over the sun and I was compelled to log onto my spiritual Facebook ID just before bed, I saw that I had been invited to an event for it so I logged on to read some, as it turned out there was a meditation to be done to help usher in the new energy for the planet and we light-workers were to do it just 20 min from the time I arrived. I knew I was meant to help and I did! I was so very very glad that I did and I posted the messages that I got and I just felt the love coming in for the whole planet. Several people IMEd me and I made some new friends.

Wednesday started putting away the cats things. It had been a week since I let him out and he had not shown up back at my door wanting in so he can eat and sleep as I had figured would be the case if I let him out to go have his fun. I know that some people will think I am wrong for not having him declawed and fixed but I do not feel that would have been right of me to take from him those things. I am pretty sure he's living out by the shed and who knows maybe some evening when I am sitting by my fire he will come out but for now I was putting his stuff away because I was sad on some level that he didn't love me enough to cuddle with me or sit in my lap as I wanted. I texted Randy asking if he wanted the food and litter and he came over and got them.  I told him that since junior is leaving soon for the Navy that he should take him, that he's the one he loves and wants to spend his time with. I told him alter his plan to accommodate his work schedule and pay for him, that bonding now was so important. He said he won't as he has a girlfriend and she's moved in, to which I replied take them both. He wouldn't listen... I gave up.

I had yoga on the beach that night with the new teacher and it was very nice. I was very pleased that Joe, one of the event leaders for the Divorce group came. He is not working right now and I let him come for free and I do so hope he keeps coming back for himself and because his friends will feel comfortable coming if he's there. I want everyone to try this and I just don't go out and socualize as much as he does and people don't know me as well. I was very pleased with the new teacher, she does more of spiritual bent to it than Nancy does, this is good as we can attract two different types of people OR people who like both! She was so kind to go early and rake the area and bring candles of her own I am feeling really good about this now I just need to attract more people for us! I went back home feeling all peaceful and happy...till I got there and my one roomate had been cooking, the whole place smelled like burt plastic! In the night the carbon monoxide alarm went off twice! I finally figured out that he had left the burner open.....

So my thursday started at 4am, there was no sleeping for me once that second alarm went off and I fugured out what he had done. I finally got up and wrote him a note telling him he needed to be out on sunday when his money expired or if he could be out sooner I would re-pay him whatever days he didn't stay. I came home that night and he was here and had nothing to say (like am I am so so sorry I almost killed everyone) so I said did you get my note? He said yes and said he was leaving but then a bit later he came out and said that was only 3 days too short of notice so I told him that he could pay me on sunday and stay a bit longer to look around and I would pay him back for the days he did not use. He seemed happy with that and understood that sometimes people just arent compatible. I was glad of my descion when the new guy for the basement moved in the next day and said he had been rude to him. I mowed my yard that night and I used Randys leave blower to clear the grass and I talked to the neighbor across the street who wants Reiki for her sick dog and was quite pleased with myself and my home.

Friday morning my chain extenders came so that I can put on the heart necklace that Jeremy got me for mothers day. It seemed appropriate that I can now take off the Elven Star and put on this heart. Love Love Love that is my theme now to love no matter what to give it and to learn to feel it and to learn to recognize it in all its forms. I thought of calling Jeremy but decided that the best love I can give him right now is to let him be and to let him grow up and figure out his own way. I know he won't see it that way, he measures love by how much I do for him. Randy he always measured love by how much I bought for him, the reason for that though was because of his lack as a child.  My Grandma she measuerd love by how much someone worried about her. Me, I measure love by time, how much of it you want to spend with me. I guess it's time for me to realize and learn that there are many ways to love and learn to recognize it when its there...
How do you measure love? What, if you get it from someone, makes you feel as if they love you? Take some time to recognize that and then take some time to look at other ways you are beinging loved.....someday you won't even feel the need to measure love because you will have so much of it, you will give some much of it, you will just BE Love.....and that is when you realize that it's so big that it's immeasurable.....

With Love and in the Light,   Cassie

6-1-12 Choosing New Roads

6-1-12   Choosing New Roads

Friday night I went out to the 4th annual Memorial Day Weekend kickoff meetup down at the Dockside in Sea Bright. I always have mixed feelings about these events, part of me likes to see the same old people and the new ones and part of me is like good god another year and these people are looking older and older (knowing full well that I am getting older too). But it was nice to be out and its less tiresome than it used to be now that I do not go all the time only occasionally, and I did run into some of my shyer members who really needed me to be there to drag them off the sidelines and get them in the mix and were quite greatful. One guy too whom my old co-organizer always ran from and I followed suit came over to speak to me, I have been increasingly more cordial to him and tonight I actually had a conversation with him and he was pretty interesting. My ex business partner was also there whom I had feelings of peace and forgivness for for the longest time despite that he took and kept all the product I bought and paid for and assembled all alone too. I had put that anger behind me some time ago but darn it if I still don't wish I could have my stuff back. Mary said if I can't let it go then to take him to court, I told her I won't go that far but I sure wish he'd give it back for the principle of it if nothing else, he's going to have such horrible Karma for this.

Saturday I popped in a yard sale and got a motorcycle helmet, the kind you wear in the summer time for just $5. My first instinct was to give it to Randy but I decied to keep it for myself in the hopes of getting to ride someone's motorcycle sometime. I went and bought charchol and some stuff for the picnic and then went to get a pedicure. I was bored sitting there so I was  texting  Randy asking him if he saw the big fire at the dealership on 35. I wanted to ask him if we were going to the movies that night or not but I knew better, I knew it would all depend on if the kids were home later and wanted to chill. So I went home, did some yard work and took a nap. When I woke up I made a pot of spagetti and got ready to go out somewhere.... Finally at 6:20 once I knew he'd be home I texted to ask if we were going. His reply: I saw it last night. I was shocked but didn't get angry just replied: why didn't you tell me that you already went? Now I have nothing to do on a saturday night. He replied back with: Are you trying to start a fight?  I decided to call so he could hear my voice and know I was not mad. He answered and when I repeated my question he said why do I ask when I know the answer, you know that if I told you it would start a fight. I told him that I knew he may go with the kids or he may go with me there was nothing to fight about. But leaving me hanging was just plain mean. Then I told him to enjoy his holiday and hung up.

I sat there, the words to the Meatloaf song that were playing in my head when I sent out the e-mail earlier in the week ringing in my head: Another Saturday night, I let the fever burn, all reved up and no place to go. Well I was dressed, fed and I was not going to not have somewhere to go...it was 7pm..ok I am going to Walmart then to the biker bar in town I told myself, calling Chris one of my BFF's to let off some steam about him, she's paitenly listened to me all these years about him and never judges just softly advises. I was about ready to check out and he texted me: do you want me to come over and bring the leaf blower? Sure, I am not home just drop it off in the shed....he never brought it. I headed for town after that but couldnt bring myslef to walk in a bar and sit down alone, instead I took a walk in town and got an ice cream and sat there. Mary called and talked to me some. He's just refusing to grow up she said, I know I know and I am tired of this road to no where with him I said.

Sunday was a good day I got more chores done and set up for the party. I texted Randy asking for the leaf blower, he had gone to work and not brought it, his reply was maybe I will bring it after 7 tonight. I replied never mind I will ask one of my guy friends to come over and start mine for me. He showed up with it at 6:30 pm. I was in my robe and hair wet just getting ready to go out. Are you cheating on me he asked? No, because you are not my boyfriend. We talked a bit and I told him how mean his behavior was but he didn't get it, or more likely didn't want to get it and well I am tired of this road to nowhere I want a new one.... I had a very good time at the event though we went to Asbury Park and sat at one of the beach bars and talked and mingled till time for the fireworks. I got restless though and headed off alone for a bit and stopped in for a palm reading. She told me that Randy has had more than enough time to grow up and that if I can let him go there is a new man waiting for me and I should be meeting him in the first week of July and she said look for the initial J (this letter has come up before) . She described the person he is and what he needs in his life and it sounded like a perfect match. She also said I would be getting a cash windfall in August, so when she went into her sales pitch to work to help me remove blocks for a hefty price I told her I would wait till my windfall came in August. Ha!

Monday was the parade and BBQ at my house, it eneded up being a lot of fun and not too much bother I agreed to do it again on the 4th of July. One guy who came on a very nice Harley did all the cooking all day and invited me to a BBQ at his house on the 16th! He flirted with me some but he flirted with ALL the women so when he did with me I just got nervous not knowing if he was serious or not. Randy texted me the next day and said he saw all the cars here, yup big party I said.....meet and dudes he replied......I told him about the one with the harley and that shut him up. I was glad, I really feel no more sadness no more pain nadda for him.

Tuesday was back to the office, I got to see my boss which is rare and we talked about what we are going to do to present my idea to the leadership team. Next step is to e-mail Lisa again and set up a meeting. That night after I got home there were a ton of calls from Jeremy, once I got a hold of him a tale of drama and drug abuse unfolded that I don't even want to repeat. For three days this went on, first he was going to come home then he was going to Ohio, then he was going to stay there. Through it all he kept going on how depressed he is, how he wants to kill himself, how his life sucks... Ugh. Finally I told him that he needed to take a different road, that the one he's on and the friends he's with are not going to lead anywhere good. What applies to me applies to him and applies to anyone. If you don't like where you are STOP and change direction. It really is that easy. Well you have to do the work, you have to make the calls and walk the talk but really all you need to change is to STOP and choose differently.

Through all this I have not been feeling well and have all kinds of leg swelling, so bad I can barely walk sometimes. I had to skip yoga but I did make a Doctor appointement for thursday and worked from home so that I could go to it. My blood work had come back and I am diabetic and also my cholesterol is very high and I told her about not being able to afford the expensive blood pressure medication so she gave me another one. She said the one med would help me process and break down the sugars and help my cravings. She also said all this belly fat was linked to two things: stress and carbs and I needed to remove those things from my life as much as possible. I vowed to do it! I am so tired of this belly getting in the way of so many things I want to reach in my life...that yoga pose, that mountian top, that good relatioship (because I doupt any man wants me this way). Thursday Randy texted me asking if I wanted to go on vacation with him to Vermont on the 23rd, I wasn't really feeling like I wanted to go but I didn't want to burn the bridge so I replied with when are you coming back, figuring I could calculate how many precious vacation days I'd need to use....he came back with As soon as you get mad at me. How mean, boy he's just turned into mister mean and hateful. I replied no thanks I will pass.

After work I picked up my new meds and on a whim decided to drive past the Sunset house, it was empty!! A big for rent sign was out front! I was flabbergasted, I had noticed that ever since I tossed that SpiritStone out by the GoGo Rama I had not see that woman's humvee there. My intention was Go Away but I had meant the GoGo Rama not her necesarily, I hoped she'd find a better job, one that she didn't have to demean herself...but perhaps she had gone down a new road to something better? I hoped and prayed so. I was a bit dismayed about the house, the timing was all wrong! I could not afford to move now and I recalled all the signs I had gotten the past few days about rentals, why was spirit taunting me this way? I decided to text Randy and tell him, his reply was I will get it for you. I said I will belive that when I see it, then he said we could both rent it together and I replied Hummmm. Much as I love and want that house, and had wanted to live there with him, the way he's behaving now, well I'd rather stay here and tough it out alone quite frankly. He called too but the conversation was flat and nearly dead, just like my love for him is..... I prayed before bed asking for resolutions and clear solutions to all the issues right now and decided to sit tight till the fog clears......

Friday my card of the day was Soulmate. I know that God and the angels are working on what I really want, a loving partner. And I am working on ME. I am going to stop going down the road of stress and anxiety over my son, and I am going to stop going down the road of engaging in battle with Randy OR thinking his empty words mean anything more than he's just sweet talking to get some, and I am going to stop going down the road of poor eating habits. I can choose fruit over cake and vegtables over pasta one baby step at a time....

 What roads have you been going down in your life that get you nowhere? What roads do you want to stop going down? If you don't like where you are stop and change direction....I know there are many wonderful destinations out there for you to go! But don't forget....now matter where you go...there YOU are so make sure you change yourslef too as needed.......

With Love and in the Light, Cassie


I walk down the road. There is a hole in the road. I do not see the hole. I fall in the hole. It is very deep, and at the bottom where I lay broken, it is dark and cold. I can’t get out.

I walk down the road. There is a hole in the road. I see the hole as I am walking down the road. I fall down the hole. Its familiar and quite cosy. I can’t get out.

I walk down the road. There is a hole in the road. I see the hole as I am walking down the road. I fall down the hole. I want to get out.

I walk down the road. There is a hole in the road. I see the hole as I am walking down the road. I dread falling down the hole. I fall down the hole. And I look up and decide to get out.

I walk down the road. There is a hole in the road. I see the hole as I walk down the road. I think, “oh, ha ha, no, no, I’m not falling for that again!”. I fall down the hole. I start climbing out.

I walk down the road. There is a hole in the road. I see the hole as I walk down the road. I try not to, but I fall in the hole again. I get back out straight away.

I walk down the road. There is a hole in the road. I see the hole as I walk down the road. My foot slides and I fall in the hole again, but I do not hit the bottom. I cling on to the side and get out of the hole.

I walk down the road. There is a hole in the road. I step over the hole. I do not fall into the hole.

I walk down a different road.

5-25-12 Opening The Clenched Fist

5-25-12     Opening The Clenched Fist

Friday after work I took a walk down buy the bay. I had signed up for a meetup, disco dancing at a country club and many of my friends were going, some writing and texting that they were looking forward to seeing me. But I heard that the horseshoe crabs were back and the beach was calling me... It was a wise choice and I was happy to have been able to "save" at least a dozen of them that had gotten flipped over by the surf. They can right themselves often but not always, one particularly large one was wedged behind a piece of driftwood and his long tail was gone, he certainly would have died had I not come along. At one point too as I walked along the quieter area about a dozen swarmed near me and came up slightly out of the water, it creeped me out some and I backed up but they turned back once they popped their head out, was almost as if they were coming to say hello and then going back about their business. There was no need for fear...only love...my cute little horseshoe crabs that no one else but me seems to think are cute.
Later when I got home I did a bit of yard work, talked to the lady next door across the fence and reflected on how much I like staying home instead of going out now days. My meetups that I do organize are small now and I am so much happier, Mike says I only say that beacause I can't draw a big crowd anymore but I think its because I don't want to, at any rate the result is the same. I went inside to do some computer work and got caught up in the drama again of what is going on in my facebook college alumni group.I ended up telling the one gal off big time, I told her this:
 personally i never did nor do i care now what fraternity or sorority someone was in of if they were good old GDI. or charismatic or sinner or whatever i had many friends across all groups then and today...and the past is the past...........when i said i felt someone was behaving like a prissy bitch i was talking about present day, albeit it was a strong and fast reaction based on the data i had of the past and the disbelief that this was the same exact data i took in 30 years ago.......i have a right to my opinion and trust me i get along and like 99% of the people on this planet.........but darn it its always that 1% that does ya in isn't it?? LOL but as i said i did set out on a journey to dig up and work on myself, to evolve even more by digging up that which has made me angry and to heal it-that is why this is going on here.....who knows the outcome but i for one think authentic interaction, even when less than pleasant, is always better than its alternative
Obviously I have had better days, but this does go to the release of anger I have towards women who think because they are pretty and men fall at their feet that they have the right to act superior to the plain janes of the world.
Saturday was a good day, I went to yard sales, I worked on my yard and cleaned my house and in the evening I went to a steal gift bingo game at my friend Michelle's house. I had written to Randy to ask for help on my blower and he offered to come over but there was no way I wanted to miss going to her house and playing this game, I am so happy to have a local friend and do so love these type things as opposed to loud bars. I ended up seeing one of my old members from when I used to do events at my house, it was good to see her and catch up on our lives. Sunday was Biking at Sandy Hook and what a glorious day that was! Only two people ended up being able to follow what I had posted and actually find me (why these people do not call I have no idea) but anyway it was a lovely lovely day and there was Ocean fun days going on too and I got some pictures. On the way home I stopped and bought a few more veggie plants and some melons too. I am working hard to get more fresh fruits and vegetables into my diet, I pray they never get away with outlawing these local stands or home gardens as they are trying to do. I will never forget reading in the Celestine Prophecy about how consuming fresh produce can help increase you spiritually. In the afternoon I laid down to relax and watch a movie.....
When I woke up Randy was standing there over me, I was expecting him as he promised to come fix my leaf blower. He said he had texted me to see if I wanted to go to the Fishery......oh I said groggily....sure but wanna get this fixed first? So he got it running and he put up some bicycle hooks in the shed for me to hang stuff on. He admired my yard and said maybe he will come over on Memorial Day himself, I was skeptical saying what if someone takes a photo but he said that don't matter. Then we went to eat, I paid for his dinner saying that since I can't pay him with pokey thats the least I can do, he made a dissapointed face, ha! We got our food and sat by the water and talked a very long time about a lot of things. One very interesting thing he told me was he was jogging past the house I want to buy on Sunset with junior and he told him that the woman who lives in the house is a dancer at Go-Go Rama!! That explains why I see the Humm-vee parked there all the time! I thought it was her boyfriend but its her! When I told Mary about it she said she got the vibe that she was the mistress of the man who owns the property..could be but I felt, could be. All I knew was I had seen myself on that deck, working from home and I was going to hold onto that vison, and I was going to keep tossing more Spirit Stones out there too, that is one of several strip clubs I pass by and pray for it to close...one closed since I've moved here and one looks like its headed for that.....

Monday was pretty unremarkable save for the continued battles in my college alumni group. I can't believe they are still crying for mercy for this priest and condoning the churches stance on keeping pedophile cases private in the church instead of calling the police. I finally decided that I was wasting my energy there and was about to leave but then decided I didn't want to leave the good stuff and hey maybe I have grown enough to ignore that which upsets me......I was right! It wasn't hard to drop it and move on and I didn't have to walk away to do it, even when some tried to draw me back into that conversation. I even got a chance to bring up my Spirit Stones in a conversation and many were really interested in them and said what a blessing the work I am doing with them is. They get it and even compared them to holy water that the priests have blessed and I said yes! yes! Like that. I got several private messages from guys in the group after that saying they wished they had taken the time to know me more back then....Mary had said I would find my mate at church, one of my readings said my mate was already watching me....that would be so kewl if it was someone from college...

Tuesday I got a call from Jeremy who was trying desperately to get his income tax check cashed down in Florida with an expired identification card. Oh so very frustrating it was to get dragged into that anxiety attack of his, lucking though I thought of him going to one of those check cashing places and that worked. He is learning slowly and he did text me some places to send in resumes and apply for work for him online (no one seems to take paper applications anymore). But now that his anger is dissipating and he is down there having fun and being happy I do think he will find something. Anger and being all tight and clenched up pushes things away from you , being relaxed and at ease brings things to you....

Not too much else to remark on during the week. I had another credit card cancel on me but decided that it was for the best, now I am just goign to pay them $50 a month instead of fighting so hard to pay the full amount. I had an awesome $5 movie night with the gals tuesday, my picnic for Memorial days is filling up, I decided to invite the Divorce group and another organizer wanted me to post in to her Keyport group and I did. I got to not worry about it getting to big or me not having enough to feed them. I just can't spend the money that I used to spend but they can eat and drink whatevers brought here or run to the store! I sent and e-mail to Randy saying I can't do the movie friday night but I can sat, his reply: I'll let you know. So I didn't get mad I just turned my attention elsewhere and I did end up hearing from the FDA guy, he is back in the states, didn't ask me out again though but said he wants to come walking. After a day of not answering Randy he sent me a video about the Vermont hotel we had seen in Feb and he says we should stay there...my reply was sure I'll go if you are paying, and tried to figure out if I could go with him in June and go to Ohio in August too.... Most of all I am glad to see that I am not getting angry, I am letting go of things I am just allowing to be what is and be content in that. I did get a little sad watching a wedding on TV thursday night, praying and crying that is what I want. I do want marriage and I do not want to settle for someone who doesn't believe in marriage or love me enough. I just want to have a full and complete love.......and maybe now , maybe I am healed enough and let go enough of the pain to have that.....

Friday my card of the day was New Love and I knew that my prayers were being worked on. How freeing unclenching the fist of anger is.........how peaceful letting go of the constant yearning is....I really do have so very very much right here right now in this very moment.......

Today I want you to open up your clenched fists, be in the struggle with bills, the fights with the kids, the discord with your spouse or boss or co-worker........just un clench those fists and relax this long weekend. If you I am sure you will find that you attract so many lovely things to be happy about....

With Love and In the Light,  Cassie

"Remember what you are & let this knowing
take you home to the Beloved with every breath.
Hold tenderly who you are & let a deeper knowing
colour the shape of your humanness.
There is nowhere to go. What you are looking for is right here.
Open the fist clenched in wanting & see what you already hold in your hand."
 ~Oriah from The Call~

5-18-12 Shining a Light

5-18-12  Shining a Light

So I started off my weekend by getting my bike out of the shed and all ready for my bike riding event I had planned at Sandy Hook the next day. Of course both tires needed air and I forgot how many pounds of pressure they take because I forget this every year. Usually I text Randy....this year I thought I shouldn't but then I thought well heck I said I wanted to be friends...so for good measure I texted him AND my buddy who also rides bikes. The first reply came back and it said pump them up so they are as hard as my pee-pee, I thought certain that was Randy as that's what he'd say but I did a triple take and it was my buddy. Randy replied later with the answer. I said only thanks.....and hour later he asked how my bike was and I said great going riding at The Hook in the morning...

Saturday the card of the day was Romance and I so wished it meant that I would find love but alas it did not. I had my biking event, only 5 of us but it was a lovely day, the wild roses all a bloom along the path and the dunes were spectacular to the eyes and the nose! We went to the diner after for lunch and I had a steak salad. I am really getting away from wanting pasta, potatoes or rice with every meal. I did some work on my yard when I got home, one of my roommates had mowed the yard for me, a trade for being allowed to pay his rent late with out penalty. I also posted several events, more biking, something for memorial day, and another walk. After all that I took a nap. In the evening I decided that I really wanted a shrimp sandwich from the fiishery in town and I wanted to go eat by the water so that's just what I did. It was a lovely night, warm air, the local coffee shop having an open mic night, boats heading out into the bay, people strolling about....oh how I wished I had someone there holding my hand....

Sunday was Mother's Day and the event I was going to attend got cancelled and I faced a day alone, I decided to stay home and get some work done in the yard and that did make me happy. Both Jeremy and Dustin called me and we had pleasant conversations. Jeremy told me my gift would arrive on Tuesday, he had gotten a friend to use his credit card to order him something online for me. I think he got me jewelry which I do not care for but it meant a great deal to me that he sacrificed so much when he has so little just for me, I know I have raised a kind and generous soul there. Dustin too, he cared enough to help out and get his brother that bus ticket as my gift, he said he hoped I enjoyed my peace. I do but I miss my boys more than I like my peace.... I got tons of texts all day too and near the end of the day, while I was napping I got one from Randy. It was after work he must have thought of me when he drove past on his way home from work. Later in the evening, just before sundown I rode down to the beach and saw his truck at his mother's house...it just felt to me so weird how things are, how sad that we can't be friends. I even wrote him and invited him and his family to my Memorial Day party but he said snottily how silly that would be he and them sitting in my yard talking. Personally I think it would be a good thing for us to all get along and not have secrets and lies but its not in my control

Speaking of secrets and lies there's been a HUGE debate going on in my college alumni page and one of the priests who taught there. This was a small, private, charismatic college in the late 70's early 80's that I went to. This priest is one of a multitude who were involved in the scandals of sexual abuse cases, he like most of them and the details of what happened got swept under the rug, brought behind closed doors, and handled internally instead of in the public judicial system. This is much like how it went down in my world when my ex-husband molested my son and I went to the priest and he told me to not tell the authorities. I nearly lost my kids over that but thankfully someone I confided in called and reported it and we got the help we needed and my ex got the jail time he deserved and in the process it called up a history of abuse in his family that went generations back. So it's really very disheartening to me to see these people some of them sticking up for him and the actions of the church to hide this. I wish they could see that hiding and covering up things just keeps it going, the cycle won't stop the healing can't happen until its no longer hidden in darkness. One friend called for us to have mercy and when I told him I didn't know what he meant by mercy he said what he meant was to have mercy while the filth is brought to the light not an excuse to put deodorant on a corpse..to which I replied: personally I'd rather see the corpose turned into fertilizer for a victory garden not buried in the dark somewhere....you never know when there's going to be a zombie apocolypse! At least I thought it was funny even though the charismanic christians didn't. But I swear there is a real problem in the church, I hope the light shines on them someday soon....

Tuesday I visited the nursing home and was glad that I did, even though they don't remember me week to week one of the new ladies I visited was quite agitated so I got to pray for her and give her some Reiki, now this is what I signed up for finally I thought. When I got home that night my gift from Jeremy had arrived, a lovely silver heart on a chain with a small diamond chip. He remembere I like silver and not gold! And the card read I love you mom and miss you very much. It brought tears to my eyes, then I tried it on and the chain is too small, going to have to buy another. I sent him a picture of it and he called me asking if I liked it and then asked him should I send it back since it had ended up costing so much and he said after I went to all this trouble? No! I have food I got some groceries. I still worried about him having enough money, and the unemployment office now wants him to keep track of every place he applies for a job now too. Ugh  Wednesday not much going on, just Yoga we are doing it on the beach now all the time and its so nice, we just need to figure out a way to combat the bugs. Thursday I came home from work and in the mail was Jeremy's income tax return, the one from a few years ago that he finally got around to filing, they had sent a letter saying they re-calculated it and he was getting nearly all of it back due to some workign man's tax credit. We figured it would all go to the DMV to pay on his liscence but when I opened up the envelope there was a real live check for over $900! I called him right away and told him I can't tell you which of us was happier! See instead not doing them again this year, even though he thought he'd never see a penny anyway, he got blessed with abundance. I think getting me a mothers day gift also helped in that too.....for the first time I felt a ray of light on my boy, he's going to find his way to support himself somehow I feel it.... I had talked to Mary earlier about how he keeps calling me from down there, and now he expects me to fill out this paperwork for him, I said the apron strings didn't get cut they just got stretched to Florida!  We both got a giggle out of that one but she too reassured me that he's on his way and he will be just fine....

Friday I was posting on facebook how proud I was of myself for mowing my lawn (haven't had to do that myself in over 20 years) but I was not at all able to get the leaf blower going to get the grass off the drive, patio and walkways. We had a big discussion about it on facebook, both my boys chimmed in with comments trying to help... I even broke down and e-mailed Randy--he may get a chance to sneak away and fix it for me......still bugs me though that he can't just bring it to the light that he and I are friends and bring the family over. I have welcomed many an ex and new girlfriend , women really only get upset when you sneak around and hide things, like I did when his ex and he kept talking or showing up at the door but wouldn't come in and talk to both of us. Oh well......It's out of my control and not my secret to tell....

What we fear, what makes us angry, what has the potential to hurt us is what's hidden in the darkness.......shine some light on anything and it gets much safer..........what can you shine some light on today??

With Love and in the Light,  Cassie