5-18-12 Shining a Light

5-18-12  Shining a Light

So I started off my weekend by getting my bike out of the shed and all ready for my bike riding event I had planned at Sandy Hook the next day. Of course both tires needed air and I forgot how many pounds of pressure they take because I forget this every year. Usually I text Randy....this year I thought I shouldn't but then I thought well heck I said I wanted to be friends...so for good measure I texted him AND my buddy who also rides bikes. The first reply came back and it said pump them up so they are as hard as my pee-pee, I thought certain that was Randy as that's what he'd say but I did a triple take and it was my buddy. Randy replied later with the answer. I said only thanks.....and hour later he asked how my bike was and I said great going riding at The Hook in the morning...

Saturday the card of the day was Romance and I so wished it meant that I would find love but alas it did not. I had my biking event, only 5 of us but it was a lovely day, the wild roses all a bloom along the path and the dunes were spectacular to the eyes and the nose! We went to the diner after for lunch and I had a steak salad. I am really getting away from wanting pasta, potatoes or rice with every meal. I did some work on my yard when I got home, one of my roommates had mowed the yard for me, a trade for being allowed to pay his rent late with out penalty. I also posted several events, more biking, something for memorial day, and another walk. After all that I took a nap. In the evening I decided that I really wanted a shrimp sandwich from the fiishery in town and I wanted to go eat by the water so that's just what I did. It was a lovely night, warm air, the local coffee shop having an open mic night, boats heading out into the bay, people strolling about....oh how I wished I had someone there holding my hand....

Sunday was Mother's Day and the event I was going to attend got cancelled and I faced a day alone, I decided to stay home and get some work done in the yard and that did make me happy. Both Jeremy and Dustin called me and we had pleasant conversations. Jeremy told me my gift would arrive on Tuesday, he had gotten a friend to use his credit card to order him something online for me. I think he got me jewelry which I do not care for but it meant a great deal to me that he sacrificed so much when he has so little just for me, I know I have raised a kind and generous soul there. Dustin too, he cared enough to help out and get his brother that bus ticket as my gift, he said he hoped I enjoyed my peace. I do but I miss my boys more than I like my peace.... I got tons of texts all day too and near the end of the day, while I was napping I got one from Randy. It was after work he must have thought of me when he drove past on his way home from work. Later in the evening, just before sundown I rode down to the beach and saw his truck at his mother's house...it just felt to me so weird how things are, how sad that we can't be friends. I even wrote him and invited him and his family to my Memorial Day party but he said snottily how silly that would be he and them sitting in my yard talking. Personally I think it would be a good thing for us to all get along and not have secrets and lies but its not in my control

Speaking of secrets and lies there's been a HUGE debate going on in my college alumni page and one of the priests who taught there. This was a small, private, charismatic college in the late 70's early 80's that I went to. This priest is one of a multitude who were involved in the scandals of sexual abuse cases, he like most of them and the details of what happened got swept under the rug, brought behind closed doors, and handled internally instead of in the public judicial system. This is much like how it went down in my world when my ex-husband molested my son and I went to the priest and he told me to not tell the authorities. I nearly lost my kids over that but thankfully someone I confided in called and reported it and we got the help we needed and my ex got the jail time he deserved and in the process it called up a history of abuse in his family that went generations back. So it's really very disheartening to me to see these people some of them sticking up for him and the actions of the church to hide this. I wish they could see that hiding and covering up things just keeps it going, the cycle won't stop the healing can't happen until its no longer hidden in darkness. One friend called for us to have mercy and when I told him I didn't know what he meant by mercy he said what he meant was to have mercy while the filth is brought to the light not an excuse to put deodorant on a corpse..to which I replied: personally I'd rather see the corpose turned into fertilizer for a victory garden not buried in the dark somewhere....you never know when there's going to be a zombie apocolypse! At least I thought it was funny even though the charismanic christians didn't. But I swear there is a real problem in the church, I hope the light shines on them someday soon....

Tuesday I visited the nursing home and was glad that I did, even though they don't remember me week to week one of the new ladies I visited was quite agitated so I got to pray for her and give her some Reiki, now this is what I signed up for finally I thought. When I got home that night my gift from Jeremy had arrived, a lovely silver heart on a chain with a small diamond chip. He remembere I like silver and not gold! And the card read I love you mom and miss you very much. It brought tears to my eyes, then I tried it on and the chain is too small, going to have to buy another. I sent him a picture of it and he called me asking if I liked it and then asked him should I send it back since it had ended up costing so much and he said after I went to all this trouble? No! I have food I got some groceries. I still worried about him having enough money, and the unemployment office now wants him to keep track of every place he applies for a job now too. Ugh  Wednesday not much going on, just Yoga we are doing it on the beach now all the time and its so nice, we just need to figure out a way to combat the bugs. Thursday I came home from work and in the mail was Jeremy's income tax return, the one from a few years ago that he finally got around to filing, they had sent a letter saying they re-calculated it and he was getting nearly all of it back due to some workign man's tax credit. We figured it would all go to the DMV to pay on his liscence but when I opened up the envelope there was a real live check for over $900! I called him right away and told him I can't tell you which of us was happier! See instead not doing them again this year, even though he thought he'd never see a penny anyway, he got blessed with abundance. I think getting me a mothers day gift also helped in that too.....for the first time I felt a ray of light on my boy, he's going to find his way to support himself somehow I feel it.... I had talked to Mary earlier about how he keeps calling me from down there, and now he expects me to fill out this paperwork for him, I said the apron strings didn't get cut they just got stretched to Florida!  We both got a giggle out of that one but she too reassured me that he's on his way and he will be just fine....

Friday I was posting on facebook how proud I was of myself for mowing my lawn (haven't had to do that myself in over 20 years) but I was not at all able to get the leaf blower going to get the grass off the drive, patio and walkways. We had a big discussion about it on facebook, both my boys chimmed in with comments trying to help... I even broke down and e-mailed Randy--he may get a chance to sneak away and fix it for me......still bugs me though that he can't just bring it to the light that he and I are friends and bring the family over. I have welcomed many an ex and new girlfriend , women really only get upset when you sneak around and hide things, like I did when his ex and he kept talking or showing up at the door but wouldn't come in and talk to both of us. Oh well......It's out of my control and not my secret to tell....

What we fear, what makes us angry, what has the potential to hurt us is what's hidden in the darkness.......shine some light on anything and it gets much safer..........what can you shine some light on today??

With Love and in the Light,  Cassie