5-25-12 Opening The Clenched Fist

5-25-12     Opening The Clenched Fist

Friday after work I took a walk down buy the bay. I had signed up for a meetup, disco dancing at a country club and many of my friends were going, some writing and texting that they were looking forward to seeing me. But I heard that the horseshoe crabs were back and the beach was calling me... It was a wise choice and I was happy to have been able to "save" at least a dozen of them that had gotten flipped over by the surf. They can right themselves often but not always, one particularly large one was wedged behind a piece of driftwood and his long tail was gone, he certainly would have died had I not come along. At one point too as I walked along the quieter area about a dozen swarmed near me and came up slightly out of the water, it creeped me out some and I backed up but they turned back once they popped their head out, was almost as if they were coming to say hello and then going back about their business. There was no need for fear...only love...my cute little horseshoe crabs that no one else but me seems to think are cute.
Later when I got home I did a bit of yard work, talked to the lady next door across the fence and reflected on how much I like staying home instead of going out now days. My meetups that I do organize are small now and I am so much happier, Mike says I only say that beacause I can't draw a big crowd anymore but I think its because I don't want to, at any rate the result is the same. I went inside to do some computer work and got caught up in the drama again of what is going on in my facebook college alumni group.I ended up telling the one gal off big time, I told her this:
 personally i never did nor do i care now what fraternity or sorority someone was in of if they were good old GDI. or charismatic or sinner or whatever i had many friends across all groups then and today...and the past is the past...........when i said i felt someone was behaving like a prissy bitch i was talking about present day, albeit it was a strong and fast reaction based on the data i had of the past and the disbelief that this was the same exact data i took in 30 years ago.......i have a right to my opinion and trust me i get along and like 99% of the people on this planet.........but darn it its always that 1% that does ya in isn't it?? LOL but as i said i did set out on a journey to dig up and work on myself, to evolve even more by digging up that which has made me angry and to heal it-that is why this is going on here.....who knows the outcome but i for one think authentic interaction, even when less than pleasant, is always better than its alternative
Obviously I have had better days, but this does go to the release of anger I have towards women who think because they are pretty and men fall at their feet that they have the right to act superior to the plain janes of the world.
Saturday was a good day, I went to yard sales, I worked on my yard and cleaned my house and in the evening I went to a steal gift bingo game at my friend Michelle's house. I had written to Randy to ask for help on my blower and he offered to come over but there was no way I wanted to miss going to her house and playing this game, I am so happy to have a local friend and do so love these type things as opposed to loud bars. I ended up seeing one of my old members from when I used to do events at my house, it was good to see her and catch up on our lives. Sunday was Biking at Sandy Hook and what a glorious day that was! Only two people ended up being able to follow what I had posted and actually find me (why these people do not call I have no idea) but anyway it was a lovely lovely day and there was Ocean fun days going on too and I got some pictures. On the way home I stopped and bought a few more veggie plants and some melons too. I am working hard to get more fresh fruits and vegetables into my diet, I pray they never get away with outlawing these local stands or home gardens as they are trying to do. I will never forget reading in the Celestine Prophecy about how consuming fresh produce can help increase you spiritually. In the afternoon I laid down to relax and watch a movie.....
When I woke up Randy was standing there over me, I was expecting him as he promised to come fix my leaf blower. He said he had texted me to see if I wanted to go to the Fishery......oh I said groggily....sure but wanna get this fixed first? So he got it running and he put up some bicycle hooks in the shed for me to hang stuff on. He admired my yard and said maybe he will come over on Memorial Day himself, I was skeptical saying what if someone takes a photo but he said that don't matter. Then we went to eat, I paid for his dinner saying that since I can't pay him with pokey thats the least I can do, he made a dissapointed face, ha! We got our food and sat by the water and talked a very long time about a lot of things. One very interesting thing he told me was he was jogging past the house I want to buy on Sunset with junior and he told him that the woman who lives in the house is a dancer at Go-Go Rama!! That explains why I see the Humm-vee parked there all the time! I thought it was her boyfriend but its her! When I told Mary about it she said she got the vibe that she was the mistress of the man who owns the property..could be but I felt, could be. All I knew was I had seen myself on that deck, working from home and I was going to hold onto that vison, and I was going to keep tossing more Spirit Stones out there too, that is one of several strip clubs I pass by and pray for it to close...one closed since I've moved here and one looks like its headed for that.....

Monday was pretty unremarkable save for the continued battles in my college alumni group. I can't believe they are still crying for mercy for this priest and condoning the churches stance on keeping pedophile cases private in the church instead of calling the police. I finally decided that I was wasting my energy there and was about to leave but then decided I didn't want to leave the good stuff and hey maybe I have grown enough to ignore that which upsets me......I was right! It wasn't hard to drop it and move on and I didn't have to walk away to do it, even when some tried to draw me back into that conversation. I even got a chance to bring up my Spirit Stones in a conversation and many were really interested in them and said what a blessing the work I am doing with them is. They get it and even compared them to holy water that the priests have blessed and I said yes! yes! Like that. I got several private messages from guys in the group after that saying they wished they had taken the time to know me more back then....Mary had said I would find my mate at church, one of my readings said my mate was already watching me....that would be so kewl if it was someone from college...

Tuesday I got a call from Jeremy who was trying desperately to get his income tax check cashed down in Florida with an expired identification card. Oh so very frustrating it was to get dragged into that anxiety attack of his, lucking though I thought of him going to one of those check cashing places and that worked. He is learning slowly and he did text me some places to send in resumes and apply for work for him online (no one seems to take paper applications anymore). But now that his anger is dissipating and he is down there having fun and being happy I do think he will find something. Anger and being all tight and clenched up pushes things away from you , being relaxed and at ease brings things to you....

Not too much else to remark on during the week. I had another credit card cancel on me but decided that it was for the best, now I am just goign to pay them $50 a month instead of fighting so hard to pay the full amount. I had an awesome $5 movie night with the gals tuesday, my picnic for Memorial days is filling up, I decided to invite the Divorce group and another organizer wanted me to post in to her Keyport group and I did. I got to not worry about it getting to big or me not having enough to feed them. I just can't spend the money that I used to spend but they can eat and drink whatevers brought here or run to the store! I sent and e-mail to Randy saying I can't do the movie friday night but I can sat, his reply: I'll let you know. So I didn't get mad I just turned my attention elsewhere and I did end up hearing from the FDA guy, he is back in the states, didn't ask me out again though but said he wants to come walking. After a day of not answering Randy he sent me a video about the Vermont hotel we had seen in Feb and he says we should stay there...my reply was sure I'll go if you are paying, and tried to figure out if I could go with him in June and go to Ohio in August too.... Most of all I am glad to see that I am not getting angry, I am letting go of things I am just allowing to be what is and be content in that. I did get a little sad watching a wedding on TV thursday night, praying and crying that is what I want. I do want marriage and I do not want to settle for someone who doesn't believe in marriage or love me enough. I just want to have a full and complete love.......and maybe now , maybe I am healed enough and let go enough of the pain to have that.....

Friday my card of the day was New Love and I knew that my prayers were being worked on. How freeing unclenching the fist of anger is.........how peaceful letting go of the constant yearning is....I really do have so very very much right here right now in this very moment.......

Today I want you to open up your clenched fists, be in the struggle with bills, the fights with the kids, the discord with your spouse or boss or co-worker........just un clench those fists and relax this long weekend. If you I am sure you will find that you attract so many lovely things to be happy about....

With Love and In the Light,  Cassie

"Remember what you are & let this knowing
take you home to the Beloved with every breath.
Hold tenderly who you are & let a deeper knowing
colour the shape of your humanness.
There is nowhere to go. What you are looking for is right here.
Open the fist clenched in wanting & see what you already hold in your hand."
 ~Oriah from The Call~