5-25-12 Opening The Clenched Fist

5-25-12     Opening The Clenched Fist

Friday after work I took a walk down buy the bay. I had signed up for a meetup, disco dancing at a country club and many of my friends were going, some writing and texting that they were looking forward to seeing me. But I heard that the horseshoe crabs were back and the beach was calling me... It was a wise choice and I was happy to have been able to "save" at least a dozen of them that had gotten flipped over by the surf. They can right themselves often but not always, one particularly large one was wedged behind a piece of driftwood and his long tail was gone, he certainly would have died had I not come along. At one point too as I walked along the quieter area about a dozen swarmed near me and came up slightly out of the water, it creeped me out some and I backed up but they turned back once they popped their head out, was almost as if they were coming to say hello and then going back about their business. There was no need for fear...only love...my cute little horseshoe crabs that no one else but me seems to think are cute.
Later when I got home I did a bit of yard work, talked to the lady next door across the fence and reflected on how much I like staying home instead of going out now days. My meetups that I do organize are small now and I am so much happier, Mike says I only say that beacause I can't draw a big crowd anymore but I think its because I don't want to, at any rate the result is the same. I went inside to do some computer work and got caught up in the drama again of what is going on in my facebook college alumni group.I ended up telling the one gal off big time, I told her this:
 personally i never did nor do i care now what fraternity or sorority someone was in of if they were good old GDI. or charismatic or sinner or whatever i had many friends across all groups then and today...and the past is the past...........when i said i felt someone was behaving like a prissy bitch i was talking about present day, albeit it was a strong and fast reaction based on the data i had of the past and the disbelief that this was the same exact data i took in 30 years ago.......i have a right to my opinion and trust me i get along and like 99% of the people on this planet.........but darn it its always that 1% that does ya in isn't it?? LOL but as i said i did set out on a journey to dig up and work on myself, to evolve even more by digging up that which has made me angry and to heal it-that is why this is going on here.....who knows the outcome but i for one think authentic interaction, even when less than pleasant, is always better than its alternative
Obviously I have had better days, but this does go to the release of anger I have towards women who think because they are pretty and men fall at their feet that they have the right to act superior to the plain janes of the world.
Saturday was a good day, I went to yard sales, I worked on my yard and cleaned my house and in the evening I went to a steal gift bingo game at my friend Michelle's house. I had written to Randy to ask for help on my blower and he offered to come over but there was no way I wanted to miss going to her house and playing this game, I am so happy to have a local friend and do so love these type things as opposed to loud bars. I ended up seeing one of my old members from when I used to do events at my house, it was good to see her and catch up on our lives. Sunday was Biking at Sandy Hook and what a glorious day that was! Only two people ended up being able to follow what I had posted and actually find me (why these people do not call I have no idea) but anyway it was a lovely lovely day and there was Ocean fun days going on too and I got some pictures. On the way home I stopped and bought a few more veggie plants and some melons too. I am working hard to get more fresh fruits and vegetables into my diet, I pray they never get away with outlawing these local stands or home gardens as they are trying to do. I will never forget reading in the Celestine Prophecy about how consuming fresh produce can help increase you spiritually. In the afternoon I laid down to relax and watch a movie.....
When I woke up Randy was standing there over me, I was expecting him as he promised to come fix my leaf blower. He said he had texted me to see if I wanted to go to the Fishery......oh I said groggily....sure but wanna get this fixed first? So he got it running and he put up some bicycle hooks in the shed for me to hang stuff on. He admired my yard and said maybe he will come over on Memorial Day himself, I was skeptical saying what if someone takes a photo but he said that don't matter. Then we went to eat, I paid for his dinner saying that since I can't pay him with pokey thats the least I can do, he made a dissapointed face, ha! We got our food and sat by the water and talked a very long time about a lot of things. One very interesting thing he told me was he was jogging past the house I want to buy on Sunset with junior and he told him that the woman who lives in the house is a dancer at Go-Go Rama!! That explains why I see the Humm-vee parked there all the time! I thought it was her boyfriend but its her! When I told Mary about it she said she got the vibe that she was the mistress of the man who owns the property..could be but I felt, could be. All I knew was I had seen myself on that deck, working from home and I was going to hold onto that vison, and I was going to keep tossing more Spirit Stones out there too, that is one of several strip clubs I pass by and pray for it to close...one closed since I've moved here and one looks like its headed for that.....

Monday was pretty unremarkable save for the continued battles in my college alumni group. I can't believe they are still crying for mercy for this priest and condoning the churches stance on keeping pedophile cases private in the church instead of calling the police. I finally decided that I was wasting my energy there and was about to leave but then decided I didn't want to leave the good stuff and hey maybe I have grown enough to ignore that which upsets me......I was right! It wasn't hard to drop it and move on and I didn't have to walk away to do it, even when some tried to draw me back into that conversation. I even got a chance to bring up my Spirit Stones in a conversation and many were really interested in them and said what a blessing the work I am doing with them is. They get it and even compared them to holy water that the priests have blessed and I said yes! yes! Like that. I got several private messages from guys in the group after that saying they wished they had taken the time to know me more back then....Mary had said I would find my mate at church, one of my readings said my mate was already watching me....that would be so kewl if it was someone from college...

Tuesday I got a call from Jeremy who was trying desperately to get his income tax check cashed down in Florida with an expired identification card. Oh so very frustrating it was to get dragged into that anxiety attack of his, lucking though I thought of him going to one of those check cashing places and that worked. He is learning slowly and he did text me some places to send in resumes and apply for work for him online (no one seems to take paper applications anymore). But now that his anger is dissipating and he is down there having fun and being happy I do think he will find something. Anger and being all tight and clenched up pushes things away from you , being relaxed and at ease brings things to you....

Not too much else to remark on during the week. I had another credit card cancel on me but decided that it was for the best, now I am just goign to pay them $50 a month instead of fighting so hard to pay the full amount. I had an awesome $5 movie night with the gals tuesday, my picnic for Memorial days is filling up, I decided to invite the Divorce group and another organizer wanted me to post in to her Keyport group and I did. I got to not worry about it getting to big or me not having enough to feed them. I just can't spend the money that I used to spend but they can eat and drink whatevers brought here or run to the store! I sent and e-mail to Randy saying I can't do the movie friday night but I can sat, his reply: I'll let you know. So I didn't get mad I just turned my attention elsewhere and I did end up hearing from the FDA guy, he is back in the states, didn't ask me out again though but said he wants to come walking. After a day of not answering Randy he sent me a video about the Vermont hotel we had seen in Feb and he says we should stay there...my reply was sure I'll go if you are paying, and tried to figure out if I could go with him in June and go to Ohio in August too.... Most of all I am glad to see that I am not getting angry, I am letting go of things I am just allowing to be what is and be content in that. I did get a little sad watching a wedding on TV thursday night, praying and crying that is what I want. I do want marriage and I do not want to settle for someone who doesn't believe in marriage or love me enough. I just want to have a full and complete love.......and maybe now , maybe I am healed enough and let go enough of the pain to have that.....

Friday my card of the day was New Love and I knew that my prayers were being worked on. How freeing unclenching the fist of anger is.........how peaceful letting go of the constant yearning is....I really do have so very very much right here right now in this very moment.......

Today I want you to open up your clenched fists, be in the struggle with bills, the fights with the kids, the discord with your spouse or boss or co-worker........just un clench those fists and relax this long weekend. If you I am sure you will find that you attract so many lovely things to be happy about....

With Love and In the Light,  Cassie

"Remember what you are & let this knowing
take you home to the Beloved with every breath.
Hold tenderly who you are & let a deeper knowing
colour the shape of your humanness.
There is nowhere to go. What you are looking for is right here.
Open the fist clenched in wanting & see what you already hold in your hand."
 ~Oriah from The Call~

5-18-12 Shining a Light

5-18-12  Shining a Light

So I started off my weekend by getting my bike out of the shed and all ready for my bike riding event I had planned at Sandy Hook the next day. Of course both tires needed air and I forgot how many pounds of pressure they take because I forget this every year. Usually I text Randy....this year I thought I shouldn't but then I thought well heck I said I wanted to be friends...so for good measure I texted him AND my buddy who also rides bikes. The first reply came back and it said pump them up so they are as hard as my pee-pee, I thought certain that was Randy as that's what he'd say but I did a triple take and it was my buddy. Randy replied later with the answer. I said only thanks.....and hour later he asked how my bike was and I said great going riding at The Hook in the morning...

Saturday the card of the day was Romance and I so wished it meant that I would find love but alas it did not. I had my biking event, only 5 of us but it was a lovely day, the wild roses all a bloom along the path and the dunes were spectacular to the eyes and the nose! We went to the diner after for lunch and I had a steak salad. I am really getting away from wanting pasta, potatoes or rice with every meal. I did some work on my yard when I got home, one of my roommates had mowed the yard for me, a trade for being allowed to pay his rent late with out penalty. I also posted several events, more biking, something for memorial day, and another walk. After all that I took a nap. In the evening I decided that I really wanted a shrimp sandwich from the fiishery in town and I wanted to go eat by the water so that's just what I did. It was a lovely night, warm air, the local coffee shop having an open mic night, boats heading out into the bay, people strolling about....oh how I wished I had someone there holding my hand....

Sunday was Mother's Day and the event I was going to attend got cancelled and I faced a day alone, I decided to stay home and get some work done in the yard and that did make me happy. Both Jeremy and Dustin called me and we had pleasant conversations. Jeremy told me my gift would arrive on Tuesday, he had gotten a friend to use his credit card to order him something online for me. I think he got me jewelry which I do not care for but it meant a great deal to me that he sacrificed so much when he has so little just for me, I know I have raised a kind and generous soul there. Dustin too, he cared enough to help out and get his brother that bus ticket as my gift, he said he hoped I enjoyed my peace. I do but I miss my boys more than I like my peace.... I got tons of texts all day too and near the end of the day, while I was napping I got one from Randy. It was after work he must have thought of me when he drove past on his way home from work. Later in the evening, just before sundown I rode down to the beach and saw his truck at his mother's house...it just felt to me so weird how things are, how sad that we can't be friends. I even wrote him and invited him and his family to my Memorial Day party but he said snottily how silly that would be he and them sitting in my yard talking. Personally I think it would be a good thing for us to all get along and not have secrets and lies but its not in my control

Speaking of secrets and lies there's been a HUGE debate going on in my college alumni page and one of the priests who taught there. This was a small, private, charismatic college in the late 70's early 80's that I went to. This priest is one of a multitude who were involved in the scandals of sexual abuse cases, he like most of them and the details of what happened got swept under the rug, brought behind closed doors, and handled internally instead of in the public judicial system. This is much like how it went down in my world when my ex-husband molested my son and I went to the priest and he told me to not tell the authorities. I nearly lost my kids over that but thankfully someone I confided in called and reported it and we got the help we needed and my ex got the jail time he deserved and in the process it called up a history of abuse in his family that went generations back. So it's really very disheartening to me to see these people some of them sticking up for him and the actions of the church to hide this. I wish they could see that hiding and covering up things just keeps it going, the cycle won't stop the healing can't happen until its no longer hidden in darkness. One friend called for us to have mercy and when I told him I didn't know what he meant by mercy he said what he meant was to have mercy while the filth is brought to the light not an excuse to put deodorant on a corpse..to which I replied: personally I'd rather see the corpose turned into fertilizer for a victory garden not buried in the dark somewhere....you never know when there's going to be a zombie apocolypse! At least I thought it was funny even though the charismanic christians didn't. But I swear there is a real problem in the church, I hope the light shines on them someday soon....

Tuesday I visited the nursing home and was glad that I did, even though they don't remember me week to week one of the new ladies I visited was quite agitated so I got to pray for her and give her some Reiki, now this is what I signed up for finally I thought. When I got home that night my gift from Jeremy had arrived, a lovely silver heart on a chain with a small diamond chip. He remembere I like silver and not gold! And the card read I love you mom and miss you very much. It brought tears to my eyes, then I tried it on and the chain is too small, going to have to buy another. I sent him a picture of it and he called me asking if I liked it and then asked him should I send it back since it had ended up costing so much and he said after I went to all this trouble? No! I have food I got some groceries. I still worried about him having enough money, and the unemployment office now wants him to keep track of every place he applies for a job now too. Ugh  Wednesday not much going on, just Yoga we are doing it on the beach now all the time and its so nice, we just need to figure out a way to combat the bugs. Thursday I came home from work and in the mail was Jeremy's income tax return, the one from a few years ago that he finally got around to filing, they had sent a letter saying they re-calculated it and he was getting nearly all of it back due to some workign man's tax credit. We figured it would all go to the DMV to pay on his liscence but when I opened up the envelope there was a real live check for over $900! I called him right away and told him I can't tell you which of us was happier! See instead not doing them again this year, even though he thought he'd never see a penny anyway, he got blessed with abundance. I think getting me a mothers day gift also helped in that too.....for the first time I felt a ray of light on my boy, he's going to find his way to support himself somehow I feel it.... I had talked to Mary earlier about how he keeps calling me from down there, and now he expects me to fill out this paperwork for him, I said the apron strings didn't get cut they just got stretched to Florida!  We both got a giggle out of that one but she too reassured me that he's on his way and he will be just fine....

Friday I was posting on facebook how proud I was of myself for mowing my lawn (haven't had to do that myself in over 20 years) but I was not at all able to get the leaf blower going to get the grass off the drive, patio and walkways. We had a big discussion about it on facebook, both my boys chimmed in with comments trying to help... I even broke down and e-mailed Randy--he may get a chance to sneak away and fix it for me......still bugs me though that he can't just bring it to the light that he and I are friends and bring the family over. I have welcomed many an ex and new girlfriend , women really only get upset when you sneak around and hide things, like I did when his ex and he kept talking or showing up at the door but wouldn't come in and talk to both of us. Oh well......It's out of my control and not my secret to tell....

What we fear, what makes us angry, what has the potential to hurt us is what's hidden in the darkness.......shine some light on anything and it gets much safer..........what can you shine some light on today??

With Love and in the Light,  Cassie

5-11-12 The Hard Work of Letting Go

Courage is the power to let go of the familiar.
- Raymond Lindquist

5-11-12   The Hard Work of Letting Go

Saturday morning I got up and went to my Walking and Talking event. Nearly everyone who came brought dogs which was nice. I like dogs but haven't wanted to own once since my early 20's. They are a lot of work and commitment but I think the worst was the trauma of losing my last two, a Norwegian Elk hound and a Collie I believe. It was a time when I was going to college and coming back and forth from home and school, sometimes staying home on summer breaks and sometimes going off with friends. My Mom used to get so mad when I left and complain and complain for hours to my Dad that he had to feed my dogs for me. Why it upset her so I will never know, but my mom was the type who would rant and rave for hours if something upset her till you felt as crazy as she was acting. Well one time I came home after a week long trip and saw my dogs were gone. When I asked my Dad where they were he pointed to a big pile of dirt in the yard. I shot them he said simply, your mom was upset that we had to feed them. I don't remember what I said or what I did after that but I never owned or got attached to another dog....that way I'd never have to feel that ever again...
Saturday evening I was supposed to go to either a big Cinco De Mayo party or to a Belltane full moon ceremony but in the end I stayed home, took Jeremy shopping and out to dinner. He was all worried about me renting out his room when he's gone and someone messing up his mattress so I got a waterproof pad to put on it then I had a buy one get one free coupon so we went to eat out. I sat there and started to think how much I am going to miss him, even though we fight  and he drives me crazy and I did end up liking it when he moved out and lived in town back in Flemington this time he's not moving 5 minutes away he's moving 5 states away! So between the I am happy he's finally getting out on his own and now I won't have to buy so many groceries or do so much laundry or have my life interrupted so much is the I am so worried if he's going to be OK on his own, who's going to fix things or make me food when I am sick and  how am I going to handle being all alone thing too!

Sunday was Yoga on the beach, a lovely day and I did better, some of the stiffness loosening up. We didn't get as many as signed up because it was raining in other parts of the state, no one believes me when I tell them I have sunny skies where I am. Anyway it was good that I got to relax and got my blood pressure down before I had to take Jeremy in NYC to catch his bus to Florida to go stay with a friend of his and look for work. It was a night of pure hell! We start off fighting over what time to leave, I wanted to allow 90 minutes and he wanted to allow only 60, or less because last time we got there early and we had to wait 15 minutes. I headed up 35 and was trying to decide parkway or non-toll roads and the arguing began. The non-toll road I chose was very busy so I had no choice but to cut through Staten Island, angrily telling him his stubbornness was now going to cost me $30 in bridge tolls! Once over there the traffic was horrid and he started throwing temper tantrums while I worried and fretted and complained that he wouldn't leave when I had wanted to and when would he ever learn to listen. He called the place and tried to get them to hold the bus, they said 5 min only we hold bus no more. I give them more than 5 to make egg roll why can't they give me more time that to go from Brooklyn to Manhattan? I did my best to get through the traffic, his anger fueling my anxiety...then I took a wrong turn and had to get back on track, finally 1/2 way over the Brooklyn Bridge I told him we weren't going to make it and I was stopping to pee (he had already used an empty water bottle). He had a fit! I screamed and he hollered and I told him to knock it off so he opened the car door and got out! Yep right there in the middle of the bridge! I was creeping along in traffic and he left my door hanging wide open and was lighting up a cigar! If he had closed the door or I could have gotten it closed I swear to God I would have left him there! He got back in and called his friend when I stopped to pee (don't ask where) ugh But we decided to go home and I'd try to bring him back Tuesday. It took me two hours to get from canal street to the other side of the Holland tunnel. By then Jeremy had to pee again and insisted I stop at the gas station, I told him they wouldn't let him go there but he wouldn't believe me till he got turned away and almost in a fight with the attendant! I could go on more about this night but suffice it to say by the time I got home at 11pm I was shaking, having chest pains and needed to sleep so I could get up at 5am for work.....I prayed myself to sleep begging God to help us...

Monday the card of the day was New Beginnings, I looked at it disdainfully and wondered how, how could this whole thing have gotten so messed up? And where was this new beginning that the super full moon and pandigram shift had promised? I was so sure this was a good time cosmically for both of us. As I got ready for work I got upset all over again and I made up my mind right then and there that I was NOT making the trip into NYC again to take him, he was just going to have to find another way.......and much to my shock he did! When he woke up he called the bus company who agreed to let him go that night, he rode his bicycle to the train station to find out the cost and location and schedule and he looked up on the map and decided he could walk the 3 miles from Penn station to Canal street. He called me at work to tell me all this, I surveyed his plan and pointed out the flaws in it but recognized it was dooable with some tweaking. I left work a half hour early and drove him to the Matawan station. I was short on money due to lack of roomates but gave him  $40 and told him to get his train ticket and to get a cab. He insisted he could walk using the GPS on his phone. I told him to walk as far as he could but if time was short (and he was carrying his back pack and suit case). As we sat there waiting for the train he realized he didn't have much phone battery so he asked to switch with me. Mine didn't have much more power so there was yet another thing to worry me sick. At least he had the solar charger I had an incling to buy a few months ago for him to take, it will be sunny in Florida he said when I get off the bus....The train arrived and I patted his back and told him to be safe as he got on board and the tears started to flow......

I cried halfway to the car, then I started crying again when I got in the car. Then I went to the grocery store to get a few things and got all sad when I chose a half gallon jug of milk instead of a gallon. I got the few things I knew I needed then wandered around aimlessly wondering what to get to eat. I had this and that and I would probably eat out more I thought, even though he had been buying some of his own food there still was plenty of mine he ate, I knew I'd be glad when my grocery bill went down but today it just felt empty to not have to fill my cart, no one to buy thier favorite things for. Luckily I ran into a neighborhood friend and when I told her why I looked so sad she reminded me that I was welcome to stop over anytime after 9pm to chat after her kids went to bed. Then I went home and my new roomate was there cooking his dinner so we chatted and Jeremy did call at 8pm to let me know he did make it to the bus stop, that worry off my mind made me feel some better. Before bed I called Mary and talked to her, we re-iterated why this was good for BOTH of us, and she said maybe this will bring the change you need to finally bring a man into your life. I said I hope so and still cried myself to sleep because I was alone and worried about my son...

Tuesday I worried about him as soon as I woke up and all day though of him on that bus, he had left a Facebook post very late saying he was on 95 south for the whole night. I worried that he didn't have any money to buy anything to eat and wondered if he'd find a kind stranger to share with him. I had told him when I gave him the money the day before that it was the LAST time I was giving him money ever ever again, from now on he had to support himself. I felt bad for saying that and I wished I had scraped up a little more for him so he'd not go hungry waiting for unemployment to re-replenish his debit card. I saw Alex post that he was headed to get him and then kept checking to see if he had arrived. He was due in at 2:30 and when I left work at 4 he had still not arrived, when I got home at 5 he still had not arrived and Alex was no longer answering me either. I messaged one of Alex's old girldfriends to get her to call him. Finally about 7:30 I got the message that Alex had him, he had been taken to the wrong stop and his phone was dead. On Wednesday my friend (who used to buy from him and made friends with him) called me. She is a few years yonger than me and is a single mom also to two boys, only hers are younger, and she lives with her brothers. Anyway she said he called her, and to not worry about him he is a good boy. She said leave him be and let him work this stuff out. You know you taught him right and he will be fine. She told me he was upset about me posting how he can't read the train schedules and the maps and I told her he told me he couldnt, we both decided that it was the mom/son relationship, that once I stop doing for him he WILL do for himself. I am glad that he has adults to talk to, they make fun of me sometimes but my social networking friends, some of them really have become real family to us. It was all we had but it was and is plenty. I was just glad he called someone to talk and knew he'd call me sooner or later. The next morning I texted him to let him know that I knew he was safe and that I loved him and to call when he gets settled....OK he sent back.

I've spent the rest of the week re-organizing my house, getting the basement spaces re-rented,  resting, relaxiang and doing my best to NOT worry about my son. He's on his own now and I must trust God now. I know my friend is right he IS a good boy, I did give him the tools he needed and now it's up to him to take those tools and decide what kind of life he's going to build for himself.... Course I always pray both of my sons will end up building new homes and lives near me here in Jersey...a mother can dream can't she??

Today I want you to know that letting go is usually the hardest most painful thing we have to do in our lives......but it's almost always the healthiest........ Who or what do you need to let of of today so that you BOTH can grow????

With Love and in the Light,  Cassie

5-4-12 Blessings in Disguise

5-4-12   Blessings in Disguise

So Friday night I had a date and he took me to Trinity, a nice place that I had been wanting to try for a long time but couldn't afford it. We had a nice time and the conversation flowed well between us. He even asked me out for the following Friday night, I told him I had plans but suggested some other days so he said he'd get in touch. When the bill came he paid and refused any help paying, I am so totally impressed with that, true gentlemen really DO pay! I do understand though the stories of so many of my single guy friends who date women for months, spend lots of money and the relationship never moves past a peck on the cheek. As for this guy as far as me being attracted, I am pretty much neutral, I will go out a time or two again and see if that swings one way or the other but I certainly won't lead him on or take advantage of his generosity. I do think even if it doesn't go towards romantic I could have a nice friend there if he's up for that...time will tell.....

Saturday was my Walking and Talking event and I ambitiously scheduled a walk from Sandy Hook all the way up over the bridge and to the Twin Towers Lighthouses. We set out with 11 of us, everyone made it to the top but me. I may have been able to make it up, not sure, I was a little tired but the main reason for turning back was I had to pee! I am starting to wonder if I need to go try that medication I see advertised for this. I got some exercise though as I made a very good sprint back the the restroom at the starting point though! And what is it about bladders that as soon as you are about a foot away it starts to leak? Can it sense proximity or something? Or is that only me? And yeah I know how dare I write about such things right? Come on I bet a lot of you have issues too! Anyway I met a fellow spiritual person whom I have been wanting to meet and visit his store for a very long time, he came on the walk and we talked at lunch. It helped me to switch my Cinco De Mayo plans from a big meetup event in a bar to the Full moon drumming fire ceremony. It is going to be a very special day and a shift and I am better served to be there.

Later that night I went to the Singing Bowls with my friend Christine. I was so happy to go and she picked me up and drove! It was so good to talk to her about my son, she is an addictions counselor and works with kids, the same friend who had me come give Reiki to her clients. Anyway she totally understood everything, and is one of very few who understand my sons issues on every level. Everyone else accuses me of enabling him but she sees what's going on there. The singing bowls were lovely and helped me a great deal, if only my back and hips weren't hurting me I could have really focused. Donna the woman who runs the place called Soulful-Awakenings what a wonderful soul! And so many offerings there at very reasonable prices! I swear Monmouth county is like heaven on earth for me is so many ways!

Sunday was Yoga on the beach and we were truly blessed with the sunny skies! Earlier in the week it was predicted to be cool and raining, I prayed like crazy and later in the week they prediced clear skies and 60, I prayed more for warmer temps, it went up to 62! Again I prayed and it went up to 65! And  I think it was even warmer when we got there! Now I don't claim to influence the weather personally but I think someone listens who can... We had a good turn out as well and every one was happy to be back at the beach despite a little sand blowing around. I told them the dermabrashion was no extra charge and they all laughed. After class I got sold a SpiritStone! One of my friends from the walking group wanted one, I let him choose one from the new bag and I asked him what intention he wished for it to be "charged" with, it was very sad he told me of something that happend to him and that he had had all kinds of therapy and treatments and even offered forgiveness to get this bad memory out and to release him but it was still there. I took the stone and held it close, calling in the Reiki energy, then I took his hand and put the stone in his palm and told him "I wish you healing of the memories". He solemly took it and paid me for the stone. I look forward to hearing of his progress.

The work week was not too eventful, the only real thing going on was lots of posting back and forth in my online college group. I had attended a Catholic College back in Ohio and boy what a trip. Well one day this week one of them went so far as to call one of my best friends a FAG! Now granted he is homosexual, and the church does teach against homosexuality but it also teaches against hate. Personally in my walk I have come to see that men and women really are born that way and I don't see how it can be sinful to be what you are but I don't want to get into that right now. Long story short this one prissy, judgmental woman was on my case and I recognized how much I still very much dislike her! You know the type, prom queen, head cheerleader and home ech blue ribbon winner all rolled into one who has grown up the be a stewardess. ( I stifle a giggle here) but anyway as I had boldly claimed to them all that "you only love god as much as the person you love the least" and it dawned on me shortly after posting that I ideed only loved God as much as this person. I had identified another thing in myself to work on.... I was angry at the "beautiful people" the ones who were physically beautiful that were the reason plain chubby chicks like myself always got passed over.... But then again I suppose going to that tough judgemental school taught me much about expanding my belief system and not following religion and it made me tough too and compasionate in ways I never would have learned otherwise...

Thursday I woke up and my eye wouldnt open, I had poked myself when I was settling down to down to sleep the night before and prayed and did self Reiki the hopes it would heal by morning. I was not succsesful though so I stayed and worked from home and then I went to the walk in clinic. I thought well good maybe he can also help me with these blocked sinuses too! Turns out I also needed to go on blood pressure medication it was 180/110 yikes! Everybody's been on my case to go see a doctor but I generally always rely on my reiki and other holistic methods but this time it had gotten out of hand and I do have so many contributing factors going on the sinuse stuff the not sleeping the fights with my son. So thank God I poked my eye, it got me to a doctor before I hade a heart attack or stroke.

Today I want you to be remember to be thankful for each and every thing that happens to you good and bad, especially the bad! Because trust me almost all the blessings that come to you really are disguised............


With Love and in the Light, Cassie