5-11-12 The Hard Work of Letting Go

Courage is the power to let go of the familiar.
- Raymond Lindquist

5-11-12   The Hard Work of Letting Go

Saturday morning I got up and went to my Walking and Talking event. Nearly everyone who came brought dogs which was nice. I like dogs but haven't wanted to own once since my early 20's. They are a lot of work and commitment but I think the worst was the trauma of losing my last two, a Norwegian Elk hound and a Collie I believe. It was a time when I was going to college and coming back and forth from home and school, sometimes staying home on summer breaks and sometimes going off with friends. My Mom used to get so mad when I left and complain and complain for hours to my Dad that he had to feed my dogs for me. Why it upset her so I will never know, but my mom was the type who would rant and rave for hours if something upset her till you felt as crazy as she was acting. Well one time I came home after a week long trip and saw my dogs were gone. When I asked my Dad where they were he pointed to a big pile of dirt in the yard. I shot them he said simply, your mom was upset that we had to feed them. I don't remember what I said or what I did after that but I never owned or got attached to another dog....that way I'd never have to feel that ever again...
Saturday evening I was supposed to go to either a big Cinco De Mayo party or to a Belltane full moon ceremony but in the end I stayed home, took Jeremy shopping and out to dinner. He was all worried about me renting out his room when he's gone and someone messing up his mattress so I got a waterproof pad to put on it then I had a buy one get one free coupon so we went to eat out. I sat there and started to think how much I am going to miss him, even though we fight  and he drives me crazy and I did end up liking it when he moved out and lived in town back in Flemington this time he's not moving 5 minutes away he's moving 5 states away! So between the I am happy he's finally getting out on his own and now I won't have to buy so many groceries or do so much laundry or have my life interrupted so much is the I am so worried if he's going to be OK on his own, who's going to fix things or make me food when I am sick and  how am I going to handle being all alone thing too!

Sunday was Yoga on the beach, a lovely day and I did better, some of the stiffness loosening up. We didn't get as many as signed up because it was raining in other parts of the state, no one believes me when I tell them I have sunny skies where I am. Anyway it was good that I got to relax and got my blood pressure down before I had to take Jeremy in NYC to catch his bus to Florida to go stay with a friend of his and look for work. It was a night of pure hell! We start off fighting over what time to leave, I wanted to allow 90 minutes and he wanted to allow only 60, or less because last time we got there early and we had to wait 15 minutes. I headed up 35 and was trying to decide parkway or non-toll roads and the arguing began. The non-toll road I chose was very busy so I had no choice but to cut through Staten Island, angrily telling him his stubbornness was now going to cost me $30 in bridge tolls! Once over there the traffic was horrid and he started throwing temper tantrums while I worried and fretted and complained that he wouldn't leave when I had wanted to and when would he ever learn to listen. He called the place and tried to get them to hold the bus, they said 5 min only we hold bus no more. I give them more than 5 to make egg roll why can't they give me more time that to go from Brooklyn to Manhattan? I did my best to get through the traffic, his anger fueling my anxiety...then I took a wrong turn and had to get back on track, finally 1/2 way over the Brooklyn Bridge I told him we weren't going to make it and I was stopping to pee (he had already used an empty water bottle). He had a fit! I screamed and he hollered and I told him to knock it off so he opened the car door and got out! Yep right there in the middle of the bridge! I was creeping along in traffic and he left my door hanging wide open and was lighting up a cigar! If he had closed the door or I could have gotten it closed I swear to God I would have left him there! He got back in and called his friend when I stopped to pee (don't ask where) ugh But we decided to go home and I'd try to bring him back Tuesday. It took me two hours to get from canal street to the other side of the Holland tunnel. By then Jeremy had to pee again and insisted I stop at the gas station, I told him they wouldn't let him go there but he wouldn't believe me till he got turned away and almost in a fight with the attendant! I could go on more about this night but suffice it to say by the time I got home at 11pm I was shaking, having chest pains and needed to sleep so I could get up at 5am for work.....I prayed myself to sleep begging God to help us...

Monday the card of the day was New Beginnings, I looked at it disdainfully and wondered how, how could this whole thing have gotten so messed up? And where was this new beginning that the super full moon and pandigram shift had promised? I was so sure this was a good time cosmically for both of us. As I got ready for work I got upset all over again and I made up my mind right then and there that I was NOT making the trip into NYC again to take him, he was just going to have to find another way.......and much to my shock he did! When he woke up he called the bus company who agreed to let him go that night, he rode his bicycle to the train station to find out the cost and location and schedule and he looked up on the map and decided he could walk the 3 miles from Penn station to Canal street. He called me at work to tell me all this, I surveyed his plan and pointed out the flaws in it but recognized it was dooable with some tweaking. I left work a half hour early and drove him to the Matawan station. I was short on money due to lack of roomates but gave him  $40 and told him to get his train ticket and to get a cab. He insisted he could walk using the GPS on his phone. I told him to walk as far as he could but if time was short (and he was carrying his back pack and suit case). As we sat there waiting for the train he realized he didn't have much phone battery so he asked to switch with me. Mine didn't have much more power so there was yet another thing to worry me sick. At least he had the solar charger I had an incling to buy a few months ago for him to take, it will be sunny in Florida he said when I get off the bus....The train arrived and I patted his back and told him to be safe as he got on board and the tears started to flow......

I cried halfway to the car, then I started crying again when I got in the car. Then I went to the grocery store to get a few things and got all sad when I chose a half gallon jug of milk instead of a gallon. I got the few things I knew I needed then wandered around aimlessly wondering what to get to eat. I had this and that and I would probably eat out more I thought, even though he had been buying some of his own food there still was plenty of mine he ate, I knew I'd be glad when my grocery bill went down but today it just felt empty to not have to fill my cart, no one to buy thier favorite things for. Luckily I ran into a neighborhood friend and when I told her why I looked so sad she reminded me that I was welcome to stop over anytime after 9pm to chat after her kids went to bed. Then I went home and my new roomate was there cooking his dinner so we chatted and Jeremy did call at 8pm to let me know he did make it to the bus stop, that worry off my mind made me feel some better. Before bed I called Mary and talked to her, we re-iterated why this was good for BOTH of us, and she said maybe this will bring the change you need to finally bring a man into your life. I said I hope so and still cried myself to sleep because I was alone and worried about my son...

Tuesday I worried about him as soon as I woke up and all day though of him on that bus, he had left a Facebook post very late saying he was on 95 south for the whole night. I worried that he didn't have any money to buy anything to eat and wondered if he'd find a kind stranger to share with him. I had told him when I gave him the money the day before that it was the LAST time I was giving him money ever ever again, from now on he had to support himself. I felt bad for saying that and I wished I had scraped up a little more for him so he'd not go hungry waiting for unemployment to re-replenish his debit card. I saw Alex post that he was headed to get him and then kept checking to see if he had arrived. He was due in at 2:30 and when I left work at 4 he had still not arrived, when I got home at 5 he still had not arrived and Alex was no longer answering me either. I messaged one of Alex's old girldfriends to get her to call him. Finally about 7:30 I got the message that Alex had him, he had been taken to the wrong stop and his phone was dead. On Wednesday my friend (who used to buy from him and made friends with him) called me. She is a few years yonger than me and is a single mom also to two boys, only hers are younger, and she lives with her brothers. Anyway she said he called her, and to not worry about him he is a good boy. She said leave him be and let him work this stuff out. You know you taught him right and he will be fine. She told me he was upset about me posting how he can't read the train schedules and the maps and I told her he told me he couldnt, we both decided that it was the mom/son relationship, that once I stop doing for him he WILL do for himself. I am glad that he has adults to talk to, they make fun of me sometimes but my social networking friends, some of them really have become real family to us. It was all we had but it was and is plenty. I was just glad he called someone to talk and knew he'd call me sooner or later. The next morning I texted him to let him know that I knew he was safe and that I loved him and to call when he gets settled....OK he sent back.

I've spent the rest of the week re-organizing my house, getting the basement spaces re-rented,  resting, relaxiang and doing my best to NOT worry about my son. He's on his own now and I must trust God now. I know my friend is right he IS a good boy, I did give him the tools he needed and now it's up to him to take those tools and decide what kind of life he's going to build for himself.... Course I always pray both of my sons will end up building new homes and lives near me here in Jersey...a mother can dream can't she??

Today I want you to know that letting go is usually the hardest most painful thing we have to do in our lives......but it's almost always the healthiest........ Who or what do you need to let of of today so that you BOTH can grow????

With Love and in the Light,  Cassie